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Week 13 SEC Preview
Week 12 proved to be one of my best weekends of the year so far. Not only was my 8 oz Styrofoam cup selection for UGA-Auburn hilarious, but I also went 5-1 straight up and against the spread. That’s what we learned about me. What did we learn from the SEC? Tennessee is hitting stride, Will Muschamp should waterboard his punter and kicker, anybody that’s still questioning Alabama’s defense is a moron, and Todd Gurley is still the most exciting player in the country.
It’s the 2nd to last weekend of the regular season in the SEC, and you know what that means – time for a parade of shitty games/ charity donations against FCS schools to rest up before rivalry week. I’ve been dreading this weekend for quite some time because of the lineup of games. I even contemplated not writing an article this week because nobody cares about Samford or Western Carolina. I don’t even know what the hell a Catamount is. However, I have a reputation to uphold and a responsibility to my (17) readers to provide everyone with something to distract them at their desks on Friday afternoon.
There will be one small change for this week, as I will not be assigning a booze choice for all of the games. We’ve done 94 drink selections so far this year, but there’s no way I’m wasting any time or creativity on booze choices for a weekend of games as underwhelming as this one. Instead I’m going to pick a special guest to party with at each tailgate. Let’s get it!
Eastern Kentucky (9-2) @ Florida (5-4) – Gainesville, FL 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
The EKU Colonels head to Gainesville to take on a lame duck coach and a Florida team that literally snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory a week ago. This will be an electric atmosphere, and when I say electric I mean defeated, dismissive, and completely uninterested. Outside of Rehab or a 12 step program this will be largest collection of quitters you’ll see in one place this Saturday.
Score – Florida 31 EKU 17
Tailgate Guest – Jeff Driskel. This doesn’t seem like a popular choice, but I think it would be hilarious. First off, I would invite him just to see what disguise he would wear to the actual tailgate because I can only assume he can’t show his actual face in Gainesville. He’s also a great addition to the tailgate because he will undoubtedly make me look better in a game of cornhole. I’m not saying I’m great at cornhole but we’ve all seen Driskel’s accuracy, and I like my chances. Also, I’d love to get to the bottom of the question I’ve had for a year and a half now – did you save Will Muschamp’s life? That is the only reason I can think of as to why Muschamp stuck with him as the starting QB for so long. Lastly, befriending Driskel would mean several years’ worth of discounts from the Enterprise Rent-a-Car that he will inevitably be working at after graduation.
South Alabama (6-4) @ South Carolina (5-5) – Beautiful Columbia, SC 12:00 PM EST ESPN3
This is the first time since the Civil War that South Carolina has taken on U.S.A. That is literally the only thing exciting about this game. Well, that and the celebration that will go on in 5 points and the Vista once the Gamecocks become bowl eligible after this game.
Score – USC 41 USA 17.76
Tailgate Guests – Stephen Garcia and Steve Spurrier. This is simple. Outside of Hootie and the Blowfish there aren’t many people that have had better legacies in Columbia, SC than these two. Plus, I would never invite Darius Rucker after that musical atrocity he committed when he covered “Wagon Wheel.” Garcia and Spurrier are the clear choices. I would initially be nervous to invite them since both would technically be working during the game. But, let’s be real Garcia isn’t going to pass up free booze, and Spurrier could win this game even if he was coaching drunk. While Spurrier is an obvious choice Garcia is an underrated addition to this tailgate solely for the fact that you know he would bring hoards of women. The guy-to-girl ratio at the tailgate would definitely be favorable, and they’ll only get better once Spurrier drunkenly takes his shirt off and Garcia is inevitably arrested for pissing in public. After that you can probably leave the fairgrounds with a girl on each arm, head to Sharky’s in 5 Points, and show off how bad of a dancer you are.
Charleston Southern (8-3) @ UGA (8-2) – Athens, GA 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
Another week and another noon kickoff in Athens. What a damn shame. I’m not really looking forward to this game. However, I am eagerly awaiting an elaborate and fictional letter to UGA fans complaining of their mistreatment towards Buccaneers fans in Athens. Hopefully it’s more believable than the butthurt diatribe authored by an Auburn fan earlier this week. Not saying UGA fans are the friendliest or most hospitable, but I will say that the only thing that’s mistreated in Athens is your liver.
Score – UGA 48 Charleston Southern 10
Tailgate Guest – Todd Gurley. Is that even in question?! My biggest mancrush in college football gets the nod. I’m nervous just thinking about it. What should I wear? What should we talk about? How much money should I bring for autographs? All these are valid questions. Gurley would be an awesome addition to the tailgate. I’m not really sure what we would talk about I’m just assuming that I would spend the entire day making matching friendship bracelets for us and riding his coattails more than Ringo Starr did with the Beatles.
Western Carolina (7-4) @ Alabama (9-1) – Tuscaloosa, AL 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
There are only two things that Bama fans want to see from this game: no injuries and for the clock to hit zero. Why? Because when it does hit zero that means it’s officially Iron Bowl Week. That means the entire state of Alabama will be filled with an absolute vengeful hate towards each other. I. Can’t. Wait.
Score – Alabama 45 WCU 7
Tailgate Guest – Todd Raleigh. Raleigh is the former head coach of the WCU baseball team. Why is that important? Raleigh recruited me to play baseball at Western Carolina my senior year of high school. I was actually set on committing to the Catamounts until out of nowhere he signed another first baseman, and I never heard from him again. So, I’d like to invite him to the tailgate for a confrontation filled with drunk induced hiccups and closure. Let me tell you something Todd – 5’11” 190 lb 1st basemen with below average speed and arm strength don’t grow on trees. What I lacked in home run power I made up for in star power. After all I was Honorable Mention All-County God Dammit! I was a 1.5/2 tool talent with offers from some of the best technical schools in the tri-county area, and I was going to commit to you. I was even going to wear purple Todd. Purple! But look at me now. I’m an amateur blogger and professional alcoholic who hit over .650 in my co-ed softball league last year. I think we all know who won in the long run.
Samford (7-3) @ Auburn (7-3) – Auburn, AL 7:00 PM EST ESPNU
The wheels are falling off the Gus Bus, and it is absolutely hilarious to every SEC fan not wearing blue and orange.
Score – Auburn 51 Samford 10
Tailgate Guest – Reese Dismukes. As a Bama fan there aren’t many people associated with Auburn that I’d want to invite to my tailgate. I initially thought Nick Marshall would be a good pick because helping him learn to read would probably count towards some of my court ordered community service hours. However, the threat of him stealing literally everything is just too much to overcome. So, Dismukes gets the nod. He’s already an addition to the tailgate because he’s low maintenance. I mean we wouldn’t have to bring an extra chair since I’m assuming he still can’t sit down comfortably after he fumbled a snap in his own butt against A&M a few weeks ago. I can only assume that countless jokes about him not fumbling any beer requests from other people at the tailgate would be made while David Allan Coe Pandora plays over the loud speakers. I’m not a fan by any means, but I imagine it’s a go to for Dismukes considering he was once suspended for using racial slurs towards one of his teammates in the locker room. I would then end the tailgate by mockingly snapping him a tube of Preparation H between my legs saying, “Not so hard is it Reese?” Then promptly wait to get knocked out.
Vanderbilt (3-7) @ Mississippi State (9-1) -29 – Starkville, MS 7:30 PM EST SEC Network
State returns home to StarkVegas to take on a team that I wish the SEC could give up for adoption.
Score – MSU 44 Vanderbilt 14
Tailgate Guest – Dan Mullen and Joe Lee Dunn. A lot of you don’t know who Joe Lee Dunn is, but he is one of my favorite coaches in SEC history. Joe Lee Dunn was an alcoholic defensive coordinator for the Bulldogs in the late 90’s. He looked like a fatter version of Sean’s deadbeat dad from Boy Meets World (trust me it’s worth a google). Dunn was famous in Starkville because he didn’t wear socks with his shoes on game days. He said it was for good luck, but there’s no way it wasn’t because he woke up one Saturday after a 2 day bender and forgot to put on socks as he was rushing to the stadium. I want Dunn there just to show MSU fans how far they’ve come. I want Mullen there to be the after in this before and after exhibition of program progress. After the school’s first 9-0 start AND their first ever #1 ranking it’s time to ask Mullen a few questions. One, how much money do you get as an impersonator for Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies? Two, what school are you going to be coaching at next year: Florida or Michigan? I know loyalty is an afterthought in today’s what have you done for me lately/ get rich quick scheme for college football coaches. However, if you’re going to tell me you’re going to pass up $5 million dollars to stay in Starkville, MS then I can only assume that you are dumber than the real Cousin Eddie. Anyways, we can talk about this after the season. Let’s go draw dicks on Joe Lee Dunn’s face since he’s passed out next to the dessert table.
Ole Miss (8-2) @ Arkansas (5-5) +3.5 – Fayetteville, AR 3:30 PM EST CBS
Ole Miss heads to Fayetteville to take on an Arkansas team looking for their first winning streak since Bobby Petrino was at the helm. Since then the Hogs have made a seamless transition from infidelity into obscurity but look to change that once the Ole Miss Black Bear Rebel Guys come to town.
Score – Ole Miss 27 Arkansas 21
Tailgate Guest – Houston Nutt. You’re welcome. Remember this crazy asshole? Nutt is the obvious choice here seeing that he has been the head coach at both of these schools. Now I’m not a huge fan of Houston Nutt, but wow what a spectacle he would be in a public setting involving booze. Every time I hear Houston Nutt speak I think of the game show host from the academic decathlon in Billy Madison when he says, “what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that can be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room/ tailgate is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Regardless, he’s still the wild card that you want at a party. Sure he’s illogical, but I bet he has some great stories. Also, $20 says he goes into a sales pitch for a pyramid scheme at some point during the tailgate. Double or nothing that Bret Beliema is dumb enough to buy into it.
Missouri (8-2) @ Tennessee (5-5) -3.5 – Knoxville, TN 7:30 PM EST ESPN
Missouri’s hopes of getting to Atlanta rest on the right arm of the most inefficient quarterback they’ve had in the last decade. Tennessee’s hopes of becoming bowl eligible rest on the right arm of a quarterback who got a Brazilian wax on his forehead.
Score – Tennessee 28 Missouri 23
Tailgate Guest – Nelly. Originally I was going to pick Michael Sam. You may remember him for being the most famous gay linebacker in college football history – besides Man’tei T’eo of course. Sam was the leader of that team a year ago, and I figure he could provide a little inspiration to help the Tigers win out and get to Atlanta. However, I chose Nelly because nothing would make a November tailgate better than cold Bud Light, fall foliage, and having some daps n’ hugs, mean mugs and shoulder shrugs with one of St. Louis’ finest. How much fun would a tailgate with Nelly be?! I can only assume he would show up wearing checkerboard Air Force Ones. Also, it would be awesome to see if the pick-up line “is that yo ass or is yo mama half reindeer?” actually works on anything besides thicky thick girls. Lastly, I’m anxious to see if Missouri’s chances at a 2nd consecutive SEC East title are real or “Only Just a Dream.”
Self deprecation in this day of shameless self promotion is always appreciated. However, the writer of this article was a 6′ 2 ” First Baseman with well above average speed, hit for average and power from BOTH sides of the plate through college and was a 2 time All-America selection by Perfect Game, the scouting service who is in charge of choosing players for the elite summer league in Cape Cod. He received offers and hand-written recruiting letters from the coaching staffs of Clemson, Vanderbilt, Alabama and many more.Share on Facebook
Wow, would you look at this. We’ve got our first slate of Saturday games that are all against other conference teams. Thank you God because a part of me dies inside every time I have to look up the stats of some FCS directional school that Vandy is playing in hopes of getting to the Bennigans Bowl in Hoboken, New Jersey. This should be an awesome day of games for SEC games from start to finish.
Before we look at this week let’s take a look back at what we learned a week ago. Well, UGA fans are severely overvaluing a win over Kentucky, Will Muschamp had his first winning streak since 2012, apparently the Tide really don’t lose in Baton Rouge, and Auburn’s national title hopes were dashed after they fumbled twice in the last 4 minutes against a woeful Texas A&M team including one where C Reese Dismukes snapped the ball into his own butt.
That being said if someone didn’t say, “Hey, Reese where’d Auburn’s national title hopes go? Did you check up your butt and around the corner?” I will be unbelieavably disappointed.
Anyways, on the week I was 4-2 straight up but only 2-2 against the spread after Bama’s miraculous backdoor (no pun intended Dismukes) covered against LSU in overtime. That brings my season record to 69-19 SU and 38-38-2 ATS, but I’m sure this week I’ll finally go undefeated. Let’s get it!
South Carolina (4-5) @ Florida (5-3) -7 – Gainesville, FL 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
This game is a perfect example of how ridiculously crazy this year has been in the SEC. Florida is a 7 point favorite against South Carolina this Saturday. I guess you can make the argument that the reason they’re getting points is because they’re playing at home in the Swamp. However, this is the same Florida team who lost 42-13 to Missouri in their last home game. What’s even crazier than the 7 points is that it actually opened at 3.5 and has been bet up to 7 due to most bettors backing the Gators. Can Carolina really be that bad? And do people who buy jorts really gamble on sports and not just their fashion? The answer to both questions could be determined this weekend.
Carolina has been terrible this year. The last 4 seasons at USC have been the most successful in program history. Everyone assumed that it would continue for a fifth season. However, Carolina has been a bigger disappointment than the straight-to-VHS disaster “Rocky V”. Their defense has been atrocious. They’re scoring defense is ranked 107th in the country giving up 34.1 ppg, and they’ve given up back-to-back double digit 4th quarter leads. The terrible play has led to Steve Spurrier spiking his visor with a Rob Gronkowski-esque ferocity.
All of that is concerning. However, what’s most concerning is Carolina’s rush defense. Their defense has more holes than a Sarah Palin political argument while wearing a pair of fishnet stockings. Carolina is giving up 237 rush ypg and nearly 6 rush yards per carry. If a defense is giving up an average of 6 yds per rush then I don’t know why you’d ever throw the football. Meet Florida. Florida throws the ball like they have an amputee at quarterback. In their last 2 games the Gators have run for a combined 632 yards. Their pass offense has more abandonment issues than me. Sorry. That got weird.
Bottom line, Carolina sucks and on paper it looks like Florida should win this game. However, I can’t find it in me to pick against Spurrier with an off week against a one dimensional team in a stadium that he built.
Carolina 27 Florida 24
Booze – Sparkling Grape Juice. Why? Because that’s what is served at an office retirement party, and this game may end up being just that. This could be the last SEC game coached by Steve Spurrier and/ or Will Muschamp. I’m sorry for not splurging on an actual bottle of champagne. However, those are usually reserved for toasts, and I can’t see anyone in Gainesville who wants to give a congratulatory toast or sing “For he’s a jolly good fellow” about Will Muschamp. Spurrier, I’m sorry you have to be a part of this. Feel free to sneak out after they cut the cake and polish off the brandy in that decorative vase thing on the CEO’s desk. You deserve it.
Missouri (7-2) @ Texas A&M (7-3) -4 – College Station, TX 7:30 PM EST SEC Network
On the surface this game looks like it should be a great matchup between two teams who’ve been given new life in the recent weeks. Missouri is back in the Eastern Division driver’s seat after Florida’s upset of UGA and A&M’s shocking 41-38 victory at Auburn. However, like the female dating pool in College Station this game is almost sure to disappoint.
A&M is favored in this game solely because of last week’s win. That seems fair considering they did beat a top-5 team on the road and snapped the nation’s longest home winning streak. It also seems fair when you consider just how bad Missouri has looked at times this season. Their offense is averaging only 330 ypg, and they’ve had embarrassing losses at home to Indiana and a UGA team starting a 4th string RB. However, there are two reasons I don’t put too much stock into any one performance/ victory: Texas A&M and Lou Bega. The last time A&M had a huge upset on the road was earlier in the year at South Carolina. After the win they were prematurely tabbed as the best team in the SEC with a Heisman trophy contender at QB. Fast forward to November and the chances of the Aggies winning the SEC are about as good as “Mambo Number Six” landing on the Billboard Top 100.
I’m not taking anything away from what A&M did on The Plains last weekend. I just don’t think they’re a very good football team, and I think that people sleep on Missouri like they’re a goddamn tempur-pedic mattress. SEC fans have shown Missouri the same amount of respect as a substitute teacher in an inner-city high school. However, I think the Tigers pull the upset in College Station. They’re coming off a bye, they’re in control of their own destiny, and their pass rush will have Kyle Allen running for his life all afternoon. All of that should be enough to overcome an anemic offense.
Score – Mizzou 33 Texas A&M 31
Booze – Heineken. It seems normal enough, but it is rarely ordered by SEC fans. It’s an afterthought. It’s an overlooked outsider amongst our traditional preferences like Bud Light. Much like this pale lager these two teams have also been viewed as outsiders. They’ve also been overlooked since they joined the SEC 2 years ago – especially Missouri. Despite winning the SEC East last year many fans still scoff at the idea that they’re a good program. It’s not because they aren’t. It’s because as SEC fans we’re so entrenched in our biases and familiarities that we don’t like anything that’s different or new. We’re like college football’s version of Mean Girls. “Heineken? No, we drink Stella, and we only wear sweatpants on Fridays. Welcome to the SEC.”
Kentucky (5-5) @ Tennessee (4-5) -8.5 – Knoxville, TN 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
Tennessee and Kentucky face off in a border war between two states known for bourbon, whiskey, and people who wear overalls in public. Nobody cares about this game nor will they be watching this game outside of people in either state. SEC fans have more important things to do like watch Alabama-Miss St or talk shit on message boards with poor grammar and syntax. All jokes aside this should actually be a pretty good game.
Tennessee has won 28 of the past 29 meetings in this series. However, this may be one of their most evenly matched contests in quite some time. Both teams have nearly identical records and eerily similar statistics at this point in the season. However, the biggest disparity between these two teams is confidence.
Kentucky has lost 4 in a row, and last week UGA’s QB Hutson Mason posted a QBR of 99.3 against them. I can only imagine what Josh Dobbs will do.
Score – Tennesee 37 Kentucky 28
Booze – Flaming Dr. Pepper. It’s perfect for two reasons. One, Tennessee’s offense has been on fire ever since Josh Dobbs took over at QB. In the 7 quarters he’s led their offense the Vols have put up a total of 65 points. Against South Carolina he became the first QB in UT history to throw for 300 yards and rush for 100 yards in a single game. Reason two is because Josh Dobbs has no eye brows, and just like the Bacardi 151 in this drink I am completely fucking terrified at his mere presence. If you haven’t seen him it’s definitely worth a google. He looks like a cross between former UConn b-ball star Charlie Villanueva and a 7th grader who had an accident with a Bunsen Burner. His eyebrows look somewhere in between a newly purchased Chia Pet and Mr. Bigglesworth’s coat from “Austin Powers”. But, man can he play football.
LSU (7-3) @ Arkansas (4-5) -1.5 – Fayetteville, AR 8:00 PM EST ESPN2
Am I the only one who was equally surprised and pissed off that this game was scheduled for this weekend? This game has long been played on the day after Thanksgiving. It’s as much of a Black Friday tradition as turkey sandwich leftovers and Chinese cutting someone in line at a Best Buy.
The only thing that surprised more than the scheduling of this game is the fact that Arkansas is actually favored to win it. Arkansas has lost 17 consecutive SEC games and is favored against a perennial conference power. Go home 2014 you’re drunk. I know they’ve come close to winning several times during that streak. This year alone they blew 4th quarter leads to Texas A&M, Alabama, and Mississippi State. However, it’s also the same team who was down 38-6 at the half to a Todd Gurley-less UGA team.
I’m a strict believer in Vegas, so I’m a little concerned that they actually favor the Hogs in this one. It also worries me that LSU is ranked in the lower half of the SEC in rush defense at 159 ypg and may be without their best defensive player LB Kendell Beckwith. However, LSU is still LSU. I just don’t see a one dimensional offense like Arkansas’ having much success against a John Chavis defense. Also, LSU is 25-1 following a loss under Les Miles. If there are two things Les Miles knows how to do it’s speak in mad libs and motivate his team after a loss.
Score – LSU 27 Arkansas 25
Booze – A gallon of Boone’s farm Cabernet Sauvignon. Why? Because the people of these states are absolute trash that’s why. Nothing says low class trash more than a gallon of wine. If your wine bottle has a handle on it you probably shouldn’t buy it. Furthermore, if the wine has the same metric measurement as your milk or unleaded gas AND costs roughly the same amount then chances are you shouldn’t be drinking it. But that fancy wine and metric system bullshit don’t matter when you’re trying to get a good gameday drunk for the annual Battle of the Boot. Am I right?! I honestly debated on making you drink this out of an actual boot, but it seemed too farfetched. Is it though? You know that at some point of drunken desperation there has probably been some Cajun moron named Claude Barbereaux in Shreveport who used a gortex rain boot as a wine glass while he made a week’s worth of turtle gumbo. I also deliberately chose Cab solely to see how pathetically funny it would be to hear the word “Sauvignon” spoken in drunken Creole vernacular. Also, Arkansas fans I don’t know why you’re laughing because the only thing your school is famous for is Bill Clinton and a motorcycle accident. I feel okay saying that because I’m sure there can’t be anyone in the state of Arkansas who is or can read this article. Also, if they are reading it it’s probably on a dial up computer at the public library because having technology in the home would only invite evil, temptation, and the inevitable rapture. Regardless enjoy the $3 gallon of wine you ingrates. I hope it’s as bland and boring as this game will be since the two teams will probably combine for over 100 rushing attempts and 100 fans trying to figure out cousin math to see if it’s ok that he said his 2nd cousin twice removed was hot. I’ll be at home praying the camera man pans over to Beliema’s hot ass wife and wondering how many gallons of this shit wine she must have drank to marry that monster and move to Fayetteville.
Mississippi St (9-0) @ Alabama (8-1) -8.5 – Tuscaloosa, AL 3:30 PM EST CBS
Mississippi State heads about 90 miles for yet another Top 5 matchup in the SEC West. The Bulldogs sit atop the national rankings but are a huge underdog yet again. When is the last time the #1 team in the country was an underdog by a touchdown or more? That’s crazy.
Mississippi State is being severely underestimated in this game. They’re undefeated, ranked #1, and have beaten three Top 10 teams this season – Alabama hasn’t defeated one. In addition to a chip on their shoulder MSU also has the best offense in the SEC and a Heisman frontrunner at QB. Alabama has traditionally struggled with mobile quarterbacks like Prescott. Want an example? How about the last game they played that followed a huge emotional victory at LSU in 2012. Their next game was at home against Johnny Manziel and Texas A&M where the Tide lost.
Alabama has been a completely different team at home versus on the road. They’ve won 13 straight games in Bryant Denny Stadium, and their average margin of victory during that streak is nearly 40 ppg. It’s no secret what Bama’s game plan is for this game and that is to beat MSU through the air. Bama’s starting RB TJ Yeldon sprained his ankle last week which could make it difficult to get the run game going against a team that has only given up 6 rushing TD’s this year (3rd in the country). However, Miss St’s pass defense is ranked 120th in the country and are giving up 311 ypg. It’s not that Blake Sims and Amari Cooper should have a big game or will have a big game it’s that they HAVE to have a big game for Alabama to win.
I think this game will be much closer than people think, but I will once again point out that this Miss St defense gave up over 500 yards and 34 points to The University of Alabama-Birmingham.
Score – Alabama 31 Mississippi State 27
Booze – Shot and a beer. Specifically a refill of the draft beer that you’re 75% percent through with. Why? Because that’s what 95% of people order at closing time, and it’s about to be closing time for one of these team’s championship hopes. For the shot it really doesn’t matter what you order. I’d usually go with Fireball because apparently my taste buds haven’t developed since sophomore year of college. But, for this game I’d say it deserves something a little stronger like Jack Daniels. The beer specifics are perfect as is. There’s not a single person reading this article that hasn’t heard the yell for last call and then asked the bartender, “Hey man, can I just get like a little top off please, and I’ll close out?” Jesus guys. Why do we do this? I guess to save money. Although the $3.50 we’re getting for free isn’t really making a huge dent into the bill we’ve racked up. However, Mississippi State fans could definitely use a little financial help considering how many big games their fans have had to scalp tickets for this season. A ticket to an SEC game with a top-ten matchup is easily a $150, and this will be the Bulldog’s fourth of the year. So, I’m happy to help MSU. Here’s a free one on the house to help drown your sorrows after the loss to Bama. But, I swear to God if I have to ask you to stop ringing that cowbell one more time I will come across this bar and stomp you out like your starting Center did against LSU earlier this season.
Auburn (7-2) @ UGA (7-2) -2.5 – Athens, GA 7:15 PM EST ESPN
God I love this game. This is my absolute favorite rivalry in the SEC if not all of college football. It’s the South’s oldest rivalry, and it fully embodies what SEC football is: tradition, pageantry, and 2 fan bases that are easier to pick on than a fat kid with braces in middle school.
It features two (almost) annual powers in the SEC with fans that are as passionate as they are delusional. On one side you have Georgia, a bastion of underachieving and what might have beens. On the other side you have Auburn who has pretty much viewed Athens like it is a farm system of felonious former UGA players.
This game is always entertaining and always has a storyline. However, this year’s matchup is one of the most anticipated in quite some time. In addition to being a revenge game it also marks the return of the best player in all of college football – Todd Gurley. Outside of Outkast’s performances at Centennial Olympic Park earlier this fall I can’t ever remember a return that has garnered this much excitement in the state of Georgia.
I’m extremely torn over this pick. The game should come down to whichever defense is able to stop the run. It’s hard to think that UGA would have the advantage after they gave up over 400 yards rushing to Florida just two weeks ago. If a one dimensional Florida offense can put up those types of numbers I can’t imagine what the Gus Bus and Nick Marshall can do. It’s also worth noting that UGA was favored heavily in their other rivalry games this year (USC and Florida), and they lost both in embarrassing fashion. However, the difference between this game and those two is the fact that it’s being played in Athens…at night. I think Auburn is the better team and would win at home, on a neutral field, or in the yard outside of Cell Block C where they recruited a majority of their players. However, I’m not picking against a team who put up 63 points a week ago and now gets the best player in college football back on the field.
Score – UGA 38 Auburn 34
Booze – Crown and Coke. Specifically in an 8 oz Styrofoam cup. Why? Because this drink and this rivalry are two fundamental traditions of the South. The only thing found more in cups at a southern tailgate than this drink is probably tobacco spit. Usually I would say this drink needs to be in a red solo or souvenir collectable cup from the home stadium. However, I chose Styrofoam for this week. A lot of you would make the logical assumption that I made that choice because it’ll be cold this weekend and your hands won’t be as cold with Styrofoam as opposed to plastic. Or, maybe you thought it’s because this will be a long game and you should maybe only drink 8 ounces at a time in order to pace yourself right? Wrong. I’m not that nice. I chose the 8 oz Styrofoam cup because that’s what they give you in jail, and the players from these two teams spend almost as much time behind bars as they do in the end zone. Just like the Master’s, these two teams having off-field issues is a tradition unlike any other. So, grab your cup and enjoy. Remember to avoid eye contact with the enemy but don’t look weak. Also for UGA – please don’t drop the soap like you did against Carolina and Florida.
SEC Week 11 Preview
Well, we’re finally heading into the final month of the regular season in the SEC. It’s equally as exciting as it is depressing since it means the season is coming to an end. However, the month of November should be the best month yet with each week’s games becoming what is basically a playoff before the actual College Football Playoff. There are still 3 teams alive in the SEC East, and there are 5 teams still alive in the SEC West, which is absolutely absurd.
That’s primarily due to what happened last week, so what did we learn after Week 10? Mississippi State is hitting stride about as well as a marathoner with a pulled hammy, Gus Malzahn can’t dance for shit, South Carolina’s defense is going to drive Steve Spurrier to drinking and/ or cutting himself, Mizzou still has a pulse, and UGA’s title hopes were dashed after they pissed down their leg once again in The World’s Biggest Outdoor Cocktail Party.
On the week I was 4-3 straight up, and 3-4 against the spread. On the season my record straight up is still pretty strong at 65-17, but I’m now at exactly .500 against the spread with a record of 36-36-2. I’m average, mediocre, middle of the road, ordinary, and I hate it. This must be what it feels like to be an Ole Miss fan most years. However, unlike Ole Miss and Georgia I plan on finishing this season strong. So, let’s get after it in this week’s preview!
UT-Martin (5-5) @ Mississippi St (8-0) –Starkville, MS 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
Remember a few weeks ago when I told you Mississippi State was overrated? Remember that time I reminded you of it last week? Well, this is me doing it again and being right all three times. Miss St looked nothing like the #1 team in the country a week ago at home against Arkansas. QB Dak Prescott had 2 bad turnovers in the first half, and the Bulldogs actually trailed the Hogs by 10 heading into the 2nd half.
MSU has struggled badly in their last 3 games against Auburn, Kentucky, and Arkansas. They’ve committed 8 turnovers, and Heisman frontrunner Dak Prescott has completed only 57% of his passes. Luckily the game is played on the field and not through stats on paper, as Miss St is still undefeated on the season. However, it’ll be hard to finish the season unblemished with a defense that is ranked 13th in the conference in total yards allowed at 435 ypg.
In regards to this game…who cares? With the awesome slate of games this weekend around the country this game will be more overlooked than an asthmatic fat kid in a pickup basketball game.
Score – Miss St 41 UT-Martin 10
Booze – O’Doul’s. Because I want you to still feel like you’re the life of the party Mississippi State. However, just know that your beer is about as real as your title hopes are. It’s real like a cubic zirconium engagement ring is real. MSU still has road trips to Tuscaloosa and Oxford. Their remaining schedule after this cupcake game includes: Alabama, Vandy, Ole Miss, and potentially the SEC East champ in Atlanta. ESPN gives them a 7% chance at finishing that schedule undefeated. Personally, I don’t think they’ll make it past next week, but for now enjoy the party and your momentary pseudo drunk and moment in the spotlight.
Presbyterian (5-4) @ Ole Miss (7-2) – Oxford, MS 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
I guess the entire state of Mississippi took the weekend off. Ole Miss, boy do I want to make fun of you for scheduling a game in November against a team whose mascot is called “The Blue Hose.” However, I won’t be too hard on you considering the ridiculous and heartbreaking ending you went through last weekend against Auburn.
Luckily, this week you’re playing Presbyterian, a D2 mid-major (if there is such a thing) from the shit hole town of Clinton, SC. I’ve been to Clinton, SC, and literally the only thing in that town is a K-Mart, a Shoney’s, and an overwhelming amount of gout. The people there are so gross they look like they came out of the womb with a denim umbilical cord.
This game comes down to 2 questions. One, will Ole Miss be able to bounce back after their 2nd loss of the season as well as the loss of their best offensive player? And two, will Presbyterian be able to focus with that huge matchup looming against Gardner-Webb next weekend?
Jesus. Thanks for nothing Mississippi. Just like your education, obesity, and literacy rates you have once again disappointed everyone.
Score – Ole Miss 38 Presbyterian 0
Booze – Flavored Vodka and a Slurpee. Why? Because Ole Miss is in full on self-loathing stage after back-to-back losses, and they just want whatever portion of booze and comfort food will help them not feel feelings. Last week’s home loss to Auburn was tough. I haven’t seen that many well dressed white people so disappointed since Harry Connick Jr got laryngitis and had to cancel his Christmas concert special. Unexpected back to back losses? Who could’ve seen that coming? Umm…y’all could’ve, and should’ve seen that coming because you’ve never won anything in the history of your program besides a decade long battle in white guilt during the 1990’s to change your mascot away from Colonel Reb. Drink up Parker, Campbell, Paisley, etc. Whatever your generic white name is. Drink up. You may want to get used to this feeling because this won’t be the last time it happens. Why the slurpee? Because again Clinton, South Carolina is an absolute shit hole, and this is probably the fanciest drink in town besides the Boone’s farm that some asshole is drinking from a solo cup wine glass. Clinton is like an open air Wal-Mart, just with fewer lines and more people picking their front wedgies. Nobody in this game deserves anything more than this homemade “daiquiri”, and I’ll guarantee that 90% of these fans A) can’t spell daiquiri and b)will try and drink it too fast to force a brain freeze to help forget about the pain of losing.
Florida (4-3) @ Vanderbilt (3-6) + 14.5 – Nashville, TN 7:30 PM EST SEC Network
If you love Big 10 Football then this is the SEC game of the week for you. It has everything you could want: proud academics, cold weather, and absolute irrelevance.
Seriously though, I owe both of you an apology. Florida, there was never any part of me that thought you had a chance against Georgia last week. I would’ve bet my entire life savings that y’all would’ve lost to the Dawgs. Luckily, I didn’t bet, so I only lost a little bit of pride instead of the dozens of dollars I have in my savings account/shoebox under my mattress.
Vandy, I owe you an apology as well. I mocked your QB Johnny McCrary when he said he was one of the top quarterbacks in the country after his debut against Missouri. How did he follow that up? He went 20-29 for 281 yards and a school record 5 TD’s. I’m still not going to apologize though because Vandy has been the bane of my existence this season. We’re in November, and I’ve yet to pick a Vandy spread correctly.
That ends this week y’all! I’m pretty confident that Florida will cover the 14.5 points. Why? Because the Gators are confident after last week, AND they rushed for a ridiculous 418 yards against UGA. That’s not good for a Vandy defense that is ranked 72nd in the country in rushing defense allowing over 170 ypg. Also, despite McCrary’s record setting performance last week Head Coach Derek Mason said that he’ll split time with Patton Robinette because “they’ve got a few tricks up their sleeve.” Oh great. Can’t wait Derek. What could the trick be? Gaining over 200 yards of offense against a fucking SEC opponent? Stop with the tricks and shenanigans because right now the only thing that’s sadder than your program is that blind kid from “Dumb and Dumber” petting that dead bird. That’s what you are Vandy. You’re a blind kid in government housing petting a dead bird. Gross.
No matter how many tricks Derek Mason has up his sleeve he will be outmanned and outcoached by Will Muschamp. And besides a eulogy, that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever written.
Score – Florida 32 Vandy 17
Booze – A large Coke from an AMC movie theater with an airplane bottle of Jim Beam. Why? Because buying a ticket to this game is like paying $7 for a fountain Coke. It’s a waste of money. This game is awful. The only thing that’s more pathetic than the crowd at this game is the fact that this is a revenge game for Florida. That’s real life because Vanderbilt beat the Gators 34-17 last year in the Swamp. I don’t want to sound crude, but if my team ever had to play a revenge game against Vanderbilt I would grab the closest butter knife and start playing the wrist violin immediately. This drink is also necessary because literally anything at the movie theater would be more entertaining than this game. I mean it. Another Madea movie, a subtitled version of Godfather III, or hell, Keanu Reeves and Gary Busey reenacting “Point Break” with sock puppets (with that reference I’m officially drunk) would be more entertaining than this game. The offenses in this game will cause more people to cover their eyes than an audience watching a Wes Craven film.
Texas A&M (6-3) @ Auburn (7-1) -21.5 – Auburn, AL 3:30 PM EST CBS
Remember a month ago when this game looked like it may decide who would head to Atlanta to represent the SEC West? There are clean shaven Mall Santas who are more legitimate than you Texas A&M. You’re a pretend title contender. You’re a pretend military affiliation. Is there anything real in College Station besides booster money and ignorance? I’ve seen shipwrecks at the bottom of the ocean that have aged better than you have throughout this season.
Like a Dominican turned double play this game is going to get out of hand quick. I spent a good bit of time researching stats for this game, and there is literally not one that favors the Aggies. NOT ONE. Last week their QB Kyle Allen threw for a total of 6 yards in the 2nd half. They gained 243 total yards against a team who was giving up over 400. And, they won by 5 against a team who was ranked 121st in the country in scoring offense. How do you do that with that offense?! It’s not like you could’ve been distracted by the hot coeds in the stands considering there are less women at A&M than the amount of points they scored against ULM.
Part of me wonders if Auburn will be on letdown alert after such an emotional victory at Ole Miss. But, I don’t think it will even matter. Nick Marshall could probably beat A&M by 21 (and be nearly as accurate) if he was playing left handed. Here’s the only stat you need to know for this game…
Auburn ranks in the Top 3 in the SEC in: Rush ypg, Yards per rush, rush efficiency, and percentage of rushes over 5 yards. A&M’s defense ranks in the Bottom 3 of the conference in every single one of those categories. On an embarrassment scale of 1-10 this game is David Hasselhoff half-naked eating cheeseburgers while being serenaded by Carl Lewis singing his “version” of the National Anthem.
Auburn will score at will against the Aggies. Then, they’ll pull the starters in to rest them for UGA next week, and Jeremy Johnson and the 2nd team offense will score at will.
Score – Auburn 42 Texas A&M 20
Booze – Bloody Mary. Don’t garnish it with anything besides corn syrup and red food coloring though. Why? Because this is gonna be a blood bath. Auburn has the nation’s longest home winning streak at 15 games. This drink is perfect because a Bloody Mary should only be ordered on the Sabbath/ Sunday which seems fitting considering that a divine intervention is the ONLY way Auburn could be this lucky over the past 2 years. In the last 2 years nearly half of Auburn’s wins have been decided by a TD or less, and they’ve had about as many miracles as a Tom Rinaldi special. A 109 yard kick return in the Iron Bowl,a Hail Mary on 4th and 18 against UGA, and now a game saving tackle against Ole Miss where the WR fumbled because he broke his leg going into the endzone. Either Auburn is really lucky or Jesus wears an orange and blue halo. It’s like someone who orders this drink at any time that isn’t Saturday or Sunday morning; there’s just no explanation for it. I’ve never understood anyone that orders this drink at any time other than brunch. If you’re out for drinks on a Thursday night and you consciously decide to order a well vodka, olive juice, and V8 blend then you’re either trying to deliberately embarrass yourself or you lost a bet. Speaking of embarrassing, A&M should honestly contemplate staying home for this one because the only thing more depressing than this return trip to College Station will be…well I guess arriving in College Station. I can’t imagine anything worse than coming home after a tough loss and seeing nothing but a sea of men in pleated beige and crew cuts.
UGA (6-2) @ Kentucky (5-4) + 10 – Lexington, KY 12:00 PM EST ESPN
I finally figured out the best way to describe UGA’s football program. You know those bloopers that air on the SportsCenter Not Top 10 every Friday? It’s usually a series of airballs, missed layups, and a compilation of unexpected nutshots. However, every once in awhile they will show a clip of someone about to hoist up a trophy and then out of nowhere it slips out of their hands and crashes to the ground. That is the perfect metaphor for UGA football. It’s almost like they don’t want to win a championship.
How else do you explain their performance last week? Better yet, how do you explain their performance against South Carolina earlier this year? It’s as embarrassing and sad as it is consistent. As a resident of Georgia, sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh at UGA or send the team to a Tony Robbins seminar to figure out why they’re so afraid of success. UGA treats trophies and championships like they’re a hot potato, and they don’t want any part of it. The only person who’s underachieved more than this program is Matt Damon in the first 2 hours of “Good Will Hunting.”
So, come here UGA. Look at me when I tell you this. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. Hey! It’s not your fault.
I’m kidding, it’s 100% your fault. Who else is to blame when you give up over 400 yards rushing to a team that couldn’t be more pathetic and one dimensional? Florida came into that game completing a forward pass about as often as Tim Tebow has had sex. That performance was inexcusable. Don’t get me wrong, as an opposing fan it was hilarious, but still, inexcusable.
I know I’ve been rude, but what else did you expect? Here’s the good news. You still have a good chance at getting to Atlanta. Just get by Kentucky and onto the next week. That’s when the best player in college football, Todd Gurley, returns in what will be one of the most electric atmospheres in the country. I can’t wait. I hope Gurley comes out of the tunnel by himself Ultimate Warrior style and lights a fucking fire under your team. Let’s just make sure you return from Lexington with a win first. Also, my nipples are hard after that Todd Gurley-Ultimate Warrior fantasy, and I’m not kidding.
Score – UGA 34 Kentucky 23
Booze – A six pack of Yuengling. Now, I’m usually a staunch advocate to the notion that no man should ever be caught carrying a six pack. There’s just something not right about it. It’s a little too small and a little too dainty. Also, defending your purchase of it sounds about as masculine and convincing as you telling me that whatever you have around your shoulder is a satchel and not a purse. Regardless, this is exactly what you need for this game. You don’t need a 12 pack or a case. You just need something that will get you a decent buzz. Why? This week is just the calm before the storm until Auburn comes to the Classic City next Saturday. So, grab a sixer and start getting loose for the big one. Yeungling is also the beer of choice here because it’s the oldest brewery in the country, and UGA-Auburn is the oldest rivalry in the South. I would’ve chosen a southern beer, but let’s be honest, we mess up most things we try to do on our own. I mean just look at Reconstruction or Jimmy Carter’s political career. Oh, Kentucky if you’re wondering why I didn’t include you in anything it’s because Matt Elam got us kicked out of the liquor store when he started trying to eat one of those plastic limes of artificial juice.
Alabama (7-1) @ LSU (7-2) + 6.5 – Baton Rouge, LA 8:00 PM EST CBS
The best way I know how describe this rivalry is through the lyrics of Playaz Circle’s “Duffle Bag Boy” when he says, “Call me what you want but don’t call me for frontin.” Simply put this rivalry epitomizes what SEC football is. There are no gimmicks. It’s just an absolute war. These two teams have the most physical lines in the trenches, the most gifted athletes at the skill positions, and the most hostile environments in the country. This is THE game in the SEC.
That being said, how in the hell do you expect me to pick this?! I’ve overanalyzed this game more than a stage five clinger would after a side hug from her crush. I have no idea how to breakdown this game, but I guess a good place to start is with some simple facts.
LSU is not a good football team. I don’t care what kind of momentum you’ve built during your 3 game win streak against Ole Miss, Kentucky, and Florida. I’m not impressed. Hats off to you for upsetting Ole Miss though. That was impressive. But, man oh man did y’all tarnish the shit out of that victory. You rushed the field?! It’s Ole Miss. You’re supposed to beat Ole Miss! You can’t rush the field after beating Ole Miss ESPECIALLY if you’re nearly illiterate head coach says that same field is “the place where opponent’s dreams go to die.” That would be like The Highlander yelling out, “There can only be two!…or Three…However many you think is best!” Like a preposition at the end of a sentence that shit doesn’t make sense y’all.
Alabama is better than LSU. That’s literally not up for debate. There is nothing (on paper) that points to Bama losing this game. Where should we start? LSU is one dimensional on offense and in 6 of their 8 games have had to rush the ball 50 or more times. Bama is ranked 2nd in the country in rush D giving up only 77.1 ypg, and they held Arkansas to only 89 yards on 39 carries. Also, LSU QB Anthony Jennings is ranked 85th in the country in QBR. Lastly, I get it that nobody goes into Death Valley at night and comes out unscathed because LSU is 46-3 in home games at night under Les Miles. But, I’ll have to counter that with a quote that lies in the foundation of this rivalry, and that is “THE TIDE DON’T LOSE IN BATON ROUGE.” Since 1971 Bama is 17-4-1in Death Valley.
LSU is going to try and pound the football against Alabama which feeds right into their strength. Bama is allowing only 2.7 ypc against the run. Also, they haven’t allowed a 100 yard rusher all season. Not bad for a defense that is constantly described as “just not the same as it’s been in year’s past.” Ok, well they are ranked 1st in the SEC in total D and 2nd in scoring D. Also, who says the Tide won’t run all over LSU? After all, the Tigers are ranked 9th in the SEC in rush defense, as they’re giving up over 159 ypg. They’re actually giving up more yards rushing than passing. When’s the last time you’ve heard of an LSU defense with that statistic?
Here’s the bottom line. LSU is going to run the ball as many times as possible because their QB is about as accurate as Helen Keller in a game of I Spy. However, this game comes down to two things: quarterback play and turnovers. Blake Sims is ranked 2nd in the country in QBR and is quietly having a phenomenal season. And, if Amari Cooper gets going the Tide will be difficult to stop. But, here’s the thing…Death Valley. It’s the ultimate equalizer. There’s a reason the Tigers are 46-3 at night there since 2008. And, by the way, all 3 of those losses were to teams who were or became ranked #1 in the country. Bear Bryant once said that playing in Death Valley “was like being inside of a drum.” There’s no stat that makes me feel like Bama should lose this game. However, it’s still in Death Valley, and I’ve had a bad feeling all week about this game.
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***Stat of the Year*** Alabama QB Blake Sims leads the Nation in 3rd down conversions when passing. He converts 60% of the time and that is the highest percentage of any QB IN THE LAST 10 YEARS.
Score – LSU 20 Alabama 17
Booze – Johnny Walker Blue. Why? For all the obvious reason. It’s elite, it’s expensive, and it’s admired. However, it’s also fucking terrible when you think about it. I know that sounds dumb considering that a glass of JW Blue usually costs between $30-$50. But, there are few people who actually enjoy this drink just like there are few people that enjoy this game. I hate this game. It’s like a fucking prostate exam. It’s a miserable experience that is inevitably going to happen once a year, and by the time it’s over you’re absolutely spent. This game is 4 hours of power drinking and acid reducers. It’s miserable. It’s hard to endure. But, hey just like this drink, it sure as shit is a symbol of elite status. So there’s something to hang your houndstooth hat on.
October 31, 2014
Well, we’re finally into the month of November, so what did we learn in the last week of October? Well, Arkansas has a 350 lb O-Lineman who is a better QB than anyone on Florida’s roster, Lane Kiffin still owns Knoxville, the Vandy-Mizzou game was about as fun as watching paint dry, and finally, Bo Wallace is gonna Beaux Wallace.
It was a pretty bad weekend for my record, as I went 5-1 straight up but only 1-4-1 against the spread. For the season I’m now 61-14 SU, and 33-32-2 ATS. One game above .500 is pretty unacceptable by my standards. But, I’m still crushing Clay Travis who is 39-44 on the year. Anyways, let’s get to the week ahead!
Louisiana Monroe (3-4) @ Texas A&M (5-3) -32.5 – College Station, TX 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
I refuse to spend a lot of time breaking down this game because it couldn’t be a worse way to kick off my Saturday. If you think watching this shit is gonna cure my Halloween Hangover you’re an idiot. I’d rather spend my morning of misery in a daycare full of vuvuzelas than be subjected to this trash.
A&M is gonna kill this team. They’ve had a week off after their embarrassment at Alabam and are facing a team that is ranked 121st in the country in scoring offense at 17.6 ppg. Last week ULM lost to Texas State which I’m pretty sure was the fictional university in that shitty early 90’s football movie “Unnecessary Roughness” with Sinbad and Claudia Schiffer. Sweet, maybe next week they’ll play Bayside High and get lit up by AC Slater and his jerry curl mullet.
Score – A&M 51 ULM 13
Booze – Labatt Blue chased with Evian water. Why? Because these two teams are about as tough and intimidating as the French and Canadian armies. I know that makes me sound ignorant and cultureless, but I can’t take anything about this game or these countries seriously. I can’t take ULM’s offense seriously. I can’t take A&M’s defense seriously. I can’t take Justin Bieber or Mounties seriously. And, I damn sure can’t take someone named Pierre in a beret who’s smoking a filtered cigarette like fucking Cruella Deville seriously. All 4 of you suck, and I will probably spend the entirety of this game throwing up from Halloween the night before which somehow seems more enjoyable.
Kentucky (5-3) @ Missouri (6-2) -6.5 – Columbia, MO 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
This is our first tough pick of the weekend. Kentucky heads to Columbia looking to get their coveted 6th win to become bowl eligible. As for Missouri, they are making me feel the same way I did the first time I saw Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMA’s – I have no idea who you are anymore. Mizzou should win this game right? Surely they can’t lose to Kentucky. Surely Maty Mauk can’t be that bad.
Looking at the stats it’s hard to tell who has the upper hand. I mean Kentucky looked good last week in their lost to Miss St, as they put up over 500 yards of offense. QB Patrick Towles led the Cats with a career high 466 yards. Then there’s Missouri who was clinging to a 3 point lead against hapless Vanderbilt with 2 minutes to go in the 4th quarter. Mizzou is bad. And, Maty Mauk is worse. Like a series of drunk texts sent to an ex he is nothing but a myriad of bad decisions. The good news for Mizzou is that they have two solid running backs who should have a field day against a UK defense that is ranked 13th in the SEC in rush D. Also, the Cats are allowing an average of 3 sacks per game on Towles which should be music to the ears of Shane Ray.
Kentucky hasn’t won a true road game since 2010. Think about that. The last time the Cats won away from Lexington Soulja Boy was still a thing. My gut tells me Kentucky will win, but let’s face it my instincts are rarely correct. I assume Mizzou scores a TD on special teams or defense, and that will be the difference maker. Afterwards, Maty Mauk will challenge Stevie Wonder to a game of darts or something else involving accuracy and lose badly.
Score – Mizzou 21 Kentucky 20
Booze – Whynatte Bombs. Equal parts Whynatte (coffee flavored energy drink) and Jaeger. Why? Because it’s almost as miserable as the Maty Mauk’s decision making skills. I feel like every time he drops back he doesn’t make any reads or progressions and instead just tells himself, “Hell, Why not?” Well, let me tell you Whynatte Maty. Because, much like this drink, a completion percentage of 52% and 9 INT’s on the season is a recipe for fucking disaster. Also, the face you would make after taking one of these shots is similar to the one every Mizzou fan makes when you somehow manage to miss yet another open receiver on an intermediate rout. The only thing more inaccurate than your throws on a slant rout is the way you spell your fucking name.
Old Dominion (3-5) @ Vanderbilt (2-6) -7 – Nashville, TN 7:00 PM EST ESPNU
You know it’s always gonna be a battle to the end when the Monarchs and the Commodores clash on a Saturday night! Am I right?! No. No I’m not. Jesus there is so much suck in this game, and if you believe this will be a worthwhile way to spend 3 and a half hours of your time then you’re almost as delusional as Vandy’s newest QB Johnny McCrary.
What? You haven’t heard of Johnny McCrary? Let me fill you in. J Mac is the 4th scholarship player to start for the Commodores this season. Does that sound embarrassing? Well, just wait til I tell you what he said after his debut against Mizzou last week. After going 17-31 for 196 yards and 2 TD’s McCrary told reporters, “I feel like I’m one of the best quarterbacks in the country.” Jesus Christ Johnny. It’s great to have confidence, but that’s a bit much. One of the best quarterbacks in the country? You lost to a team quarterbacked by Maty Mauk who is one of the worst QB’s this conference has seen in quite some time.
Demanding that kind of praise is like when people wearing TOMS shoes try to convince you they give a shit about global issues. Stop overvaluing yourself, and just accept what you are – a flash in the pan fad that has little to no support.
In regards to the game, ODU is atrocious on defense. They are giving up nearly 500 ypg and over 40 ppg. However, they are really good on offense, and they scored 51 points last week. I’m pretty sure Vandy hasn’t scored 51 points this season.
Score – ODU 36 Vandy 34
Booze – Warm light beer and warm rail bourbon. Why? Well for one because I hate you Vandy, and I hope you throw up on yourself. And two, Johnny McCrary’s self-evaluation is about as irrational as when some douche at the bar announces that he’s “switching from guns to missiles.” Stop. Switching from Coor’s Light to Rail Bourbon doesn’t warrant a military analogy just like a mediocre debut at QB doesn’t warrant elite status.
Tennessee (3-5) @ South Carolina (4-4) -7 – Beautiful Columbia, SC 7:30 PM EST SEC Network
Here’s our second tough pick of the week. Tennessee heads to beautiful Columbia, SC looking to beat the Gamecocks for the 2nd year in a row. This is an important game for the Vols considering they need to win 3 of their last 4 to become bowl eligible and avoid a 5th straight losing season. South Carolina comes in after almost pulling off a huge upset at Auburn a week ago.
Where in the hell did that come from? Carolina has looked about as stable as a Jenga tower put together by Muhammad Ali for most of the season. I know that sounds bad, but damn it couldn’t be more accurate. Carolina’s 7 point loss looks respectable considering it was on the road against a top 5 team. However, looking at the box score tells a completely different story. USC’s defense is simply awful. They gave up nearly 400 yards rushing to the Tigers and allowed Nick Marshall to have a QBR of 99. The odds of Nick Marshall spelling QBR correctly are lower than him actually putting up a rating that high. But, that’s how bad this defense is. On the season they are giving up over 460 ypg and are giving up a pathetic 200 ypg rushing. That’s tough to do with the amount of talent on this team.
The good news for Cocky is that Tennessee can’t run the ball, and their team is so decimated with injuries that none of those stats should be a factor. The line on this game has Carolina favored by 7. I think they’ll win but would be shocked if they cover. Neither one of these teams has an average margin of victory over 3 on the season, and since 2000 this game has been decided by an average of 8.2 points.
Score – USC 27 Tennessee 24
Booze – Wild Turkey. Why? Well for one the similarity to a Gamecock. And, two remember that famous picture of John Belushi chugging from a bottle of bourbon in Animal House? It was Wild Turkey, and I have to imagine that many fans for both these teams have thought about doing the same exact thing at some point during the season. I mean if it were me, and I had to watch a defense as bad as Carolina’s I would immediately resort to a bottle for comfort. Don’t judge me. It’s also perfect because its 101 proof is almost equivalent to the amount of years UT has been playing football. Why is that important? Because after they lose this weekend it will almost guarantee the Vols a 5th straight losing season which has never happened in the 101+ years of this program.
Arkansas (4-4) @ Mississippi State (7-0) -10.5 – Starkville, MS 7:15 PM EST ESPN2
Remember last week when I told you Mississippi State was overrated because of how bad their defense is? Told you. As good as the Bulldogs have been this year their defense has to be a concern heading into the month of November. When’s the last time you’ve heard of the #1 team in the country ranking last in their conference in total D? Exactly. State gave up over 500 yards of offense last week to Kentucky, and that was after they had a bye week to prepare.
Last week I compared Arkansas to a kid at fat camp who you keep expecting to make dramatic changes/ improvement yet never does. I don’t bring that up for any specific reason other than to remind you all of how brilliant that analogy was. They are Gerald Garner (141 pounds) from the movie “Heavyweights.” It’s not all their fault though. This season’s schedule has been brutal. This weekend will mark the 5th straight conference game the Hogs have played against a Top 10 team. That’s an FBS record. To put that into perspective it would take roughly a decade combined for a team in the Big 10 or the ACC to face that many quality conference opponents.
Arkansas is still looking for their first SEC win in nearly 3 years, but Miss St won’t lose in Starkvegas.
Score – Miss St 33 Arkansas 24
Booze – Sam Adams Boston Lager. Why? Because every time I see a TV commercial for this Beantown Brewery I hear how great it is and how many awards they’ve won. Then I go against my better judgement, and hop on the bandwagon only to be let down shortly after. The same can be said for Mississippi State. For the past month I’ve heard nothing but praise for the Bulldogs. And, why not? They’re undefeated and have the Heisman frontrunner at QB. But, how great can they really be with a defense that bad? I’m not saying they won’t win something of significance just like I’m not saying Sam Adams won’t win a blue ribbon for at least one of their 50+ unique brews. But, let’s calm our tits on either of them being world beaters especially when you consider that MSU still has to travel to Bama and Ole Miss. I would have to think that one of those games will result in a loss in which afterwards, much like a Boston accent, Miss St will be nothing more than a fun novelty of amusement that we overhyped with praise.
Auburn (6-1) @ Ole Miss (7-1) -2.5 – Oxford, MS 7:00 PM EST ESPN
Is this the most under hyped and over looked top 5 matchup ever? It kinda feels like it. But, I guess that’s what happens when you lose in Death Valley because Bo Wallace doesn’t understand how to look off a safety. Bo knows football. Bo knows hair. Bo knows a lot of things, but game management isn’t one of them. In terms of management decisions you are the Michael Scott of the SEC. Throwing that ball up for grabs because you wanted to play hero was hilariously dumb. It reminded me of the final scene in “Happy Gilmore” where Adam Sandler tried that ricochet pinball shot off the fallen tower to win outright instead of forcing the tie. But, hey it worked for Happy, and go big or go home right Bo? No! That is a cliché that should be saved for cut off sleeve tee shirts you find at a fucking Ron Jon surf shop and not your approach in the biggest game of your season.
Anyways, in regards to this game…this should be a fantastic game to watch. Two high powered offenses, and two teams that are facing what could be an elimination game for conference, as well as national, title hopes. Auburn’s offense seemed to be firing on all cylinders last week in their win against USC. However, if there’s any defense that’s equipped to stop the Tigers it’s Ole Miss. My biggest question is this: how will Ole Miss respond to last week’s loss? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know they’ve never been in this situation before now. Auburn has. I think Auburn’s experience and quarterback play will get them the win in Oxford and leave every oversized Columbia fishing shirt worn by douchebag Ole Miss frat guys covered in tears and top shelf bourbon.
Score – Auburn 30 Ole Miss 28
Booze – Angry Orchard Cider. Why? Because I can’t imagine a better scenic description for this beer or for the scene that will take place on the hallowed grounds of The Grove if the Rebels lose this weekend. A loss to Auburn would be devastating for the Rebels. Not only would it ruin their chances at a national championship, but it would also force them back into their familiar settings as a divisional afterthought. Like Jan Brady, Ole Miss will be in the middle of the pack and be nothing more than an overlooked obscurity. A turnaround that quick, and of that magnitude, would turn The Grove from party to pity blindsiding the Rebels on a level that only Michael Oher could understand.
UGA (6-1) @ Florida (3-3) +13 – Jacksonville, FL 3:30 PM EST CBS
Really Georgia, did y’all really need an extra week to prepare for the jort wearing dumpster fire that is Florida?
Heading into the season I had much higher expectations for this game. Everyone did. But, now I feel about as disappointed as I did during the finale of “The Sopranos.” Gurley is out. Hutson Mason and Jeff Driskel are both in. This game is about as appealing as Rosie O’Donnell in a Hooters outfit.
That’s kinda par for the course for this rivalry though when you think about it. I mean I know it means a lot to both teams and both fanbases, but when has it ever really mattered in regards to the conference or national landscape? I’ll tell you when. 1980. UGA fans cling tighter to that year than Sylvester Stallone’s grip in “Over the Top.” And for good reason too. Since then this rivalry has been average at best. It is highlighted with SEC legends like: Ray Goff, Ron Zook, Joe Cox, and Rex Grossman. The list goes on and on, but let’s face it I don’t have the time, interest, or energy to continue. I mean how big of a rivalry can it be if the best moment for UGA fans in the last 25 years of this game was a fucking celebration penalty in 2007. That’s sad.
It’s probably called the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party because the only way to enjoy it, or the city of Jacksonville, is under the influence of a shit ton of booze. Regardless, UGA will embarrass Florida even more than Florida will embarrass themselves.
Score – UGA 31 Florida 13
Booze – Fireball. For two reasons. One, because Florida continues to be a dumpster fire of a team. They’re like watching a marathon of “Here comes Honey Boo Boo.” Every episode is uncomfortably bad, yet they somehow find a way to reach new lows each and every week. The second reason is because there was actually a massive recall of Fireball this past week due to the ingredients mirroring anti-freeze. Honestly, who gives a shit. I’ll drink the cinnamon flavored anti-freeze if it will help keep me entertained during this shit. Here’s a drinking game for fun. Take a shot every time a UGA fan mentions Lindsay Scott and every time Jeff Driskel throws into triple coverage. You’ll be hammered by the second quarter.Share on Facebook
It’s the last week of October y’all which means we’re about to head into the final month of the college football season. The only thing that makes me sadder than that is the amount of douchebag white people that are wearing vests due to the fall weather. I won’t get into that because we’re pressed for time, and if you’re reading this outside I’m sure your arms are freezing. Idiots.
Last week, what did we learn? I was wrong about UGA losing to Arkansas without the best player in the country. However, I was right when I told everyone to calm your tits about Alabama, as the Tide put up 59 points on the College Station ROTC program. And lastly, we learned that Will Muschamp will probably be managing a fucking Hobby Lobby next football season.
I went 5-1 straight up on the week, but I only went 2-3 against the spread. For the season I’m 56-13 SU and 32-28-1 ATS. To put that into perspective Clay Travis has been 3-14 ATS in the past two weeks. Basically I’m winning you money and am dominating Clay Travis in every facet of life except success, popularity, and beard length. Oh well. Here we go!
UAB (4-3) @ Arkansas (3-4 (0-4)) -23 – Fayetteville, AR 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
Last week I made a bold/ emotional prediction that Arkansas would upset UGA at home. It seemed reasonable enough considering the Hogs performance against A&M and Bama in their previous 2 games. However, that proved to be one of my worst predictions of the year, as the Hogs were dominated at home against a Gurleyless UGA team.
This is a tough game for Arkansas. Not only because UAB is somewhat underrated heading into this matchup, but also because this will mark the last win of the season that will be celebrated by Arkansas, Bret Beliema, and his hot ass wife. Honestly, it seems kind of fitting though because the inferiority of Arkansas versus the rest of the SEC West is only matched in the inferiority of Beliema’s looks versus his wife’s. To say he outkicked his coverage would be an understatement. The disparity between the two is on some “Shallow Hal” shit.
Regardless, I guess I should be focusing on whether or not Arkansas will cover the 3 TD spread instead of figuring out how this 3 ended up with a 10. Arkansas will win this game. Thank God too because their schedule is about to get rough. Arkansas’ last 3 games have been against Top 10 teams, and they still haven’t played Ole Miss or Mississippi State. Regardless, they won’t cover solely based off the fact that UAB put up 34 points against Mississippi State earlier this season, and the Blazers are averaging 38 ppg and nearly 500 ypg on offense. The good news is that they’re giving up over 160 on the ground, and the Hogs should capitalize on that.
Score – Arkansas 41 UAB 27
Booze – Chocolate Martini. Specifically with zero calorie artificial chocolate from Weight Watchers. Why? Arkansas has disappointed us this season. I mean that’s kind of expected when you lose 16 straight SEC games, but literally everyone thought they would turn the corner at some point. They’re like an ugly duckling. Except instead of morphing into a beautiful duck/ swan they just stayed the course of bleh. We think of Arkansas the same way every parent thought of their kid in the movie “Heavyweights.” We got super excited for their necessary, and seemingly inevitable, change. Then we showed up for parent’s day and Arkansas/ Gerald Garner was still the same 141 pounds he was at when we dropped him off in June.
Vandy (2-5 (0-4)) @ Mizzou (5-2 (2-1)) -21 – Columbia, MO 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
Well, this is gonna be a fucking nightmare of a game to watch. I thought the offenses in last week’s Mizzou game were bad. This is gonna be like watching an arm wrestling match between Jim Abbot and Chubbs from “Happy Gilmore.” (Hint: neither of them have hands. It’s a great reference. Now back to reading.)
I’ll be brief. There’s so much just absolute sad in this game that I can only assume 80% of the true southerners being subjected to watching it will say the phrase “bless his heart” a minimum of 38 times.
Vandy is garbage. They’re averaging 270 ypg, they’re ranked 116th or worse in the country in every major offensive category, AND their team leader for TD’s this season is a 4 way tie for a total of 2 TD’s. TWO! Lorena Bobbitt’s ex-husband has scored more than this team.
As for Mizzou, they somehow managed to have one of the most pathetic offensive performances in the history of the SEC and still won 42-13. If you watched it I’m sorry. There are subtitled versions of “No Country for Old Men” that were more exciting than that game. Mizzou gained a total of 119 yards of offense, and Maty Mauk completed 6 of 18 passes for a total of 20 yards. Luckily, they get to play Vanderbilt this week which should offset any statistic I just told you because the Commodores are that bad.
Score – Mizzou 34 Vandy 10
Booze – Seagram’s 7 and 7 up. A 7 and 7. This is perfect except for the fact that it’s actually a pretty good drink, and this game deserves nothing of the sort. This game sucks. Honestly, this game kind of deserves something along the lines of a warm shot of Jaeger or a carton of expired Egg Nog, but let me explain the logic. Seagram’s 7 and 7 is perfect because it always kind of shocks me when someone orders it. Not because it’s a bad drink but because someone actually thinks that 7up is usually a go to mixer at any bar in the Southeast. It’s the South. We have Sprite not whatever lemon lime flavored soda pop you just mentioned. This level of surprise will only be surpassed if either of the quarterbacks in this game completes over 7 passes, OR if either offense scores more than 7 points. I know that sounds crazy, but Mizzou scored 28 points last week on special teams and defense alone.
South Carolina (4-3 (2-3)) @ Auburn (5-1 (2-1)) -18 – Auburn, AL 7:30 PM EST SEC Network
Raise your hand if at the beginning of the season you thought this game would be a cakewalk for Auburn. If your hand is in the air then you’re either a liar or you are currently smoking too much of whatever Nick Marshall shared with you. No offense, but I’ll have to puff puff pass on that notion.
When breaking down this game I really wanted to make myself believe that Carolina had a chance to pull the upset. I mean they did win by 31 last week, and they also did upset UGA earlier in the year. However, there is literally nothing on paper, nor the field, that would indicate to me that USC can win this game. Sure it’s the SEC, and anybody can beat anybody on any given Saturday. That’s cute. I’ll be sure to stitch that into a throw pillow or something, but that cliché simply does not ring true in this game. Here’s why…
1. Auburn is coming off a bye. AND a loss. They’ll be angry and looking to prove themselves.
2. Duke Williams may be the best WR in the SEC, and he’s going up against a Gamecock secondary that allowed Hutson fucking Mason to have a season high in passing yards.
3. Lastly, Carolina’s defense is about as stingy as a drunk girl on prom night. They’re 91st in the country in scoring D, and they gave up 6.6 rush yards per carry against Kentucky.
If Kentucky ran for 6.6 yards per carry I can’t imagine what the Gus Bus will do. I will say that I have not spent nearly enough time explaining just how exposed Auburn was against Mississippi State. However, I’m tired. And, Auburn will absolutely smoke Carolina (pun intended). Outside of Strom Thurmond or when Hootie tried to become a country singer the final score of this game will be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to the Palmetto State.
Score – Auburn 44 South Carolina 20
Booze – Sam Adams Oktoberfest. Why? For celebration. Carolina you need celebration like a fish needs water. Good God. This is the lowest point in your recent history. The only thing more hilariously disappointing than your 2014 season would be watching your former coach Lou Holtz try to ask Siri for directions to the closest Schlotzky’s Deli. Auburn you get this because you also need to celebrate the month of October. Yes, I know you had a loss at Miss St. But, as of now October looks a lot more promising than November when you play 3 Top 10 teams, AND you play all of them on the road. It might be best to get some celebrating in now before you have to hit that stretch. Plus you can drink Oktoberfest and pretend that you have some sort of German heritage in the same way that a lot of your fans pretended that the refs caused you to lose in Starkville 2 weeks ago. You’re not German. You’re Alabamian. You’re gutter trash. But, you’re gutter trash with a pretty bow on you because you live in the beautiful backdrop that is “The Plains.” Being proud of living in the most beautiful part of Alabama is like claiming to have the best window view in an apartment in 1930’s war torn Berlin. And, the refs didn’t make you lose to Miss St you idiots. You were outplayed. Jesus, there was a point in the 2nd quarter where MSU committed 4 straight turnovers, and you STILL lost by 2 scores. It’s tough when you don’t convert a hail mary, return a missed FG 109 yards, or have a 6 figure salary QB to bail you out huh? Drink up because just like this seasonal beer your team is still wildly popular despite being very overrated.
Mississippi St (6-0 (3-0)) -14 @ Kentucky (5-2 (2-2)) – Lexington, KY 3:30 PM EST CBS
Jesus Christ CBS. You chose this as the marquee matchup in the SEC this week?! A national television audience has to pretend to be invested into watching this shit? The only thing less believable than the significance of this game is the syndicated laughter you force into every episode of “Two and a half men.” Spare me.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this game. Why? Because it’s horseshit. There are 3 SEC games on later tonight that are more exciting than this pile of hot garbage. Hell there’s a British comedy or a Ken Burns documentary about Solitaire on PBS that’s more exciting than this. Honestly, if Ken Burns did a documentary about British comedy actors playing solitaire in between takes I would be more inclined to watch it than this game.
I’m kidding. I can’t wait to watch this game because this SEC matchup has 2 can’t miss things that embody what it truly means to be Southern: ridiculous names and fat people. MSU’s best players are named “Dak” and “De’Runnya”. Wow. It’s like you won at Scrabble, and lost at being taken seriously at the same damn time. Then there’s Kentucky who features one of the fattest people in sports in DT Matt Elam. He’s like Billy Bob from “Varsity Blues” but with better agility and even more side boob.
Oh shit, I totally forgot to include a stat. I’ll throw this out there for everyone that is dumb enough to think that MSU will run the table, OR is truly the best team in the country…Miss St is first in the conference in total offense (529 ypg), AND last in the conference in total D (429 ypg). And, they’re two toughest remaining games are on the road at Bama and Ole Miss. Nobody wins the SEC with a defense that porous.
Score – Miss St 37 Kentucky 20
Booze – Crown Royal Maple. Why? Because, it’s a façade of goodness. On the surface level it looks like it should be the next great/ big thing, but when you get into it it could not be more underwhelming. CBS why would you force us into thinking this is a worthwhile game? That’s fucked up.We watch “60 Minutes.” We trusted you! The same goes to Crown Royal. We trusted you as well! And, we rarely trust anything from Canada. I mean after all you did give us Justin Bieber and added too many O’s to the word “out”, but we looked past that. Why would you give us this pancake flavored shit?! It’s terrible. And, how dare you charge $40 dollars for a handle of it. That’s slightly more fucked up than subjecting the entire country to 3 and a half hours of average football littered with awkward churtling laughter from Verne Lundquist.
Alabama (6-1 (3-1)) -18 @ Tennessee (3-4 (0-3)) – Knoxville, TN 7:30 PM EST ESPN2
The Third Saturday in October. This is one of the oldest, and best, rivalries in the SEC. There was a time when this game mattered more to Alabama fans than the Iron Bowl. Why? Because this game is fueled off of pure grit and hatred, and no matter what the records are for either team that sentiment hasn’t changed for either fan base.
I don’t know the best way to describe this rivalry. I’ll do my best by explaining it regardless of my bias. This is not a fun rivalry. There is no respect for either team. There is only disdain. There is only anger, heartbreak, and again, hate. There are no fun memories of past games where both teams gave their all which drew admiration from the fans of both sides no matter the disappointment. No. There is only the memory of being elated or deflated.
There is only the memory of Peyton Manning conducting “Rocky Top” in Legion Field after his senior year where he was 3-0 against the Tide. There is only the memory of Terrance Cody and “Rocky Block” in 2009 to help preserve Alabama’s perfect season and national title hopes. There is only the memory of former Tide Center Roger Schultz puffing a cigar in a postgame interview in the late 80’s saying, “Man we outta start paying taxes on Neyland Stadium because we own this place.”
I hate Tennessee. And, I only say that because I know that any Tennessee fan reading this absolutely hates Alabama. It’s our only commonality.
As far as the game goes…Bama hasn’t played well on the road, and Blake Sims can’t afford to make some of the same mistakes he did against Ole Miss and Arkansas if they expect to win. That being said, UT is limping into this game. Their QB and 2 starting O-linemen have been limited in practice this week due to injury. Also, their O-line has given up 29 sacks this year. That doesn’t bode well against a very, very good D line from Bama. Also, the Vols are averaging only 24 ppg and 325 ypg against one of the best defenses in the country.
Score – Alabama 37 Tennessee 17
Booze – Greyhound. Make the vodka Deep Eddie’s Ruby Red Grapefruit flavor as well. But, make sure the actual grapefruit juice is expired by like a minimum of 3 years. Why? Because Tennessee fans are so sour over this rivalry. For one, they haven’t beat Bama since 2006, and two, Lane Kiffin is returning to Knoxville for the first time since he abandoned this program nearly 5 years ago. So much bitterness for Tennessee fans. And, listen I get it. I hated Lane Kiffin too, and when he became the OC for Bama I couldn’t have been more upset. He’s the worst. How do I feel about him as a Bama fan? It’s like if that dickhead British dude in “The Patriot” killed Heath Ledger, and then all of the sudden switched sides to fight for America. AND you had to cheer for him. That’s who Lane Kiffin is. Much like this drink he’s so good, but dang will he leave you embittered with a bad taste in your mouth.
Ole Miss (7-0 (4-0)) -4 @ LSU (6-2 (2-2)) – Baton Rouge, LA 7:15 PM EST ESPN
What a showdown. Two ranked teams playing under the lights in one of the best venues in all of college football, Death Valley. Ole Miss comes to Baton Rouge to face an upset minded Tiger squad that’s on a 2 game winning streak and has averaged 44 ppg at home. They’re also up against Les Miles who owns a 43-3 record in night games in Death Valley. LSU seems to have turned the corner after beating everyone’s favorite SEC underdog, Kentucky, 41-3 a week ago. So, why don’t I believe they can win? For the same reason I don’t believe in fortune tellers, VooDoo, or that anyone on “Swamp People” graduated high school…because it’s not fucking real.
Listen, it’s almost impossible for me to think that LSU will lose at home especially night. However, this LSU team is just not that good. It has much less to do with Ole Miss than it does with LSU. But, that’s also saying a lot because the Rebels have the best scoring defense in the country, and QB Bo Wallace has still yet to have a turnover in SEC play. The bottom line is this – LSU doesn’t have the passing game to win. Ole Miss will make them one dimensional, and the collective Cajun silence in Death Valley will be on par with a stenotype trying to figure out what Troy from Swamp People or that weird coach in overalls from “The Waterboy” were ever trying to say. (God I hope y’all know what a stenotype is)
Score – Ole Miss 23 LSU 16
Booze – Pineapple Upside Down Cake. Vanilla vodka, bourbon, pineapple juice, and grenadine. One, it seems like something a Cajun alcoholic would make and pretend it was on purpose instead of it being just a conglomerate of whatever shit he had left over. Two, you wanna talk about upside down then let’s discuss this game. I never thought I’d break down a game in Death Valley where the Tigers were underdogs. What the fuck kind of world are we living in where people think that Florida-Georgia Line are musically talented AND LSU is an underdog at home at night? I don’t know, but it definitely seems like everything is upside down from where it should be. Ole Miss should definitely Cruuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiise to a win in this game. Also, if you genuinely like Florida-Georgia Line then please stop reading my articles.
Finally, it get’s interesting.
We, as a Conference, are in a place where Auburn, Ole Miss and Mississippi State are not only 3 of the best teams in the Conference but in the Country. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder than Kentucky beating South Carolina, we have Mississippi State vs. Auburn possibly playing for the #1 ranking in the polls.
Georgia at Missouri
MALCOLM FREAKING MITCHELL!!! Back from 2 years of injuries the best WR/CB/KR/PR in the Nation will provide just enough spark to carry UGA to a win. The loss of Todd Gurley is immeasurable but Nick “Baby Gurley” Chubb is a more than adequate replacement and Jeremy Pruitt will finally get a full effort from his defense. Georgia wins in Columbia.
Ole Miss at Texas A&M
Yeah, yeah, yeah they beat Bama. I know, but if you think Bo Wallace can put together back to back pressure performances you think better of him than I do. A&M has little defense but they do have freshman DE Myles Garrett and Ole Miss doesn’t have much of a running game. I like A&M to score quickly, Ole Miss to rely on the passing game, Myles Garrett to make Bo Wallace revert to his real self and the Kyle Field crowd to provide support. Oddly, Ole Miss LT Laremy Tunsil is the most important factor in this game.
Alabama at Arkansas
Alabama finally gets to play an old school SEC team and will get more than a split millisecond to line up on defense. Arkansas has a great running game but Bama has a better defense and a way better offense. Watch ILB Reggie Ragland shut down the run and if former #5 RB Altee Tenpenny gets to play for Bama, remember that he is from Arkansas. Tenpenny has moved up the depth chart to the #3 RB in the Tide rotation.
UL Monroe at Kentucky
The Wildcats are getting fundamentally better and are no longer a joke. That’s Vandy.
Charleston Southern at Vanderbilt
Chattanooga at Tennessee
Because the Vols own that State! They are definitely the best team out of them, Vandy and UT Chattanooga. Sarcasm doesn’t come across well in print does it?
LSU at Florida
But who knows anymore with these two? I’ll be honest with you – I just deleted LSU and typed in Florida. I may change it again.
Auburn at Mississippi State
Benardrick McKinney is the best LB in the conference and he will stuff Cameron Artis-Payne all day. Might even hurt him. As usual my pick is drastically different than most and this week I think it has less to do with Dak Prescott than the MSU defense. Nick Marshall will have to have a career passing day, in terms of accuracy, to beat the Bulldogs.
Enjoy your weekend!
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Week 7 Preview
Ok. Well, this is awkward. If there are two things I’m not good at it’s talking to women and admitting I was wrong. They’re both so difficult. I guess that’s why I rarely do either. That being said…
I was wrong last week. I was wrong in so many ways. I was wrong like Nic Cage’s career choices were wrong after he did “Con Air.” I was wrong like Britney Spears’ hair dresser was wrong that one time when she was like, “Hey, let’s do a no guard up top because I’m pretty sure that Cone Head fad is totes gonna make a comeback.” I was wrong like Lloyd was wrong with he thought Samsonite was a last name in “Dumb and Dumber.” I was wrong, and man does it hurt to say so. For the second straight year I was 1-5 in Week 6, as I went 1-5 ATS and 2-4 SU. AND, my one win was with an underdog when Florida beat UT. That means I was dangerously close to getting shutout last week. What the shit is that?!
For the season, I’m now 45-10 SU and 26-22-1 ATS. Those numbers aren’t acceptable. Luckily for you, I’ve spent the last week preparing harder than ever trying to right the ship. I’m kidding. I’ve been drinking wine through a straw and listening to Coldplay songs while a muted replay of the Alabama-Ole Miss game plays on repeat in the background. Regardless, it’s time to get my shit together, and make a run at this in what looks to be another fantastic weekend of SEC football…
Charleston Southern (5-0) @ Vanderbilt (1-5(0-4)) – Nashville, TN 7:30 PM EST FSN
For those of you keeping score at home I have still yet to correctly pick a Vandy spread correctly this season. Luckily there isn’t a line in this game, so I can’t miss it. Last week’s 1-5 record for me was a real eye opener. When things like that happen you have one of two choices. One, prepare better and make rational predictions based off logic instead of emotion. Or two, spiral out of control. One is obviously the correct path. However, I’m still reeling after the Alabama loss and my first losing record for a weekend. I’ve been drinking til I can’t feel feelings and throwing darts at a picture of Bo Wallace. Why stop this tornado of self-destruction? Fuck you Vandy. I’m slamming on the gas and headed over the edge of reason “Thelma and Louise” style.
Score – Charleston Southern 21 Vandy 20
Booze – Mat shot. Or a Jersey Turnpike as it’s known in some circles. What’s that? It’s a shot that I’ve given to countless patrons at my bar when I’ve had enough of them, and Vandy I’ve had enough of you. Outside of a public make out session, it’s simply the worst thing you can have at any bar ever. It’s comprised of every liquid that’s been spilled into the bar mat that night. Remember making a “suicide” out of every fountain drink offered at self-serving beverage stations when you were a kid? It’s like that, but instead of orange soda and Mr. Pibb it’s Fireball and Bailey’s with a gaggle of other gross things you don’t want in your stomach. I’ll be sure to pour it where you can’t see it, and then call it a “Jersey Turnpike”, so the ingredients seem like a cool mystery and not something that’s gonna ruin your next 24 hours. Vandy, you’ve been the bane of my existence all season in regards to my picks. Vandy, I hope you don’t throw up from this unsportsmanlike vengeance I’m giving you. No. I hope you throw up all night, and get pink eye from sleeping on the toilet. That’s how upset I am with you. Oh by the way you’re welcome for actually allowing you to drink alcohol this week.
UL-Monroe (3-2) @ Kentuck y (4-1(2-1))-21.5 – Lexington, SC 12:00 PM EST SEC Network
The Warhawks from ULM come into Lexington to face one of the most surprising teams in the conference this year. While most of you were already in bed, or blackout drunk due to your team losing (that’s me!), Kentucky had a comeback for the ages last week against South Carolina. The Cats capped it all off with a Pick six to seal the victory with 2 minutes remaining. This team is a lot better than people are giving them credit for. They’re holding opponents to under 20 ppg and the secondary has 9 INT’s so far this year. Kentucky is a triple overtime loss, and delay of game penalty being called, away from being undefeated. They may be on let down alert after an emotional victory, but they’ll still get the W.
Score – Kentucky 34 ULM 14
Booze – Vodka and G2 Gatorade. Specifically, Smirnoff, glutamine, and Glacier Freeze G2. Man y’all need this. It’s time to recover and refuel Wildcats. Last week was a thrilling win against South Carolina, and next week you head to Death Valley to take on an LSU team that you’re better than right now. I know. Crazy. However, this week we need to take care of some things: Louisiana Monroe and our gameday drunk. So, grab an almost nice bottle of vodka because we still haven’t proven that we’re worth anything more than that yet, and two, a few packs of blue G2’s. It’ll help you recover and hydrate, and the electrolytes will help the vodka get in your bloodstream faster (that’s real trust me). That way we can speed along our process of getting drunk all the while getting hydrated for next week’s game against mighty LSU. Also, put in a scoop or 2 of glutamine to help rebuild your muscles faster. Just be sure to appease Matt Elam and tell him that it’s cake mix that he can make a delicious treat with because I’m sure he’s already pissed that he’s drinking diet Gatorade.
UT-Chattanooga (3-2) @ Tennessee (2-3 (0-2)) – Knoxville, TN 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
In honor of the battle of the Volunteer State I’ll ask someone to volunteer one damn reason I would want to watch this game. I’m waiting…
Tennessee looks to bounce back after an embarrassing home loss to Florida last week. They will also do so without their best offensive player, RB Jalen Hurd. Two weeks ago UT fans were riding high after a 3 point loss at UGA. They followed that by scoring 9 points and losing for the 10th straight year to Florida. That’s why you don’t count moral victories in the SEC y’all. Losing a close game on the road doesn’t mean you’re elite, nor does it guarantee you a win against a mediocre team the following week. It means you’re also a mediocre team and you’re only elite in regards to being overconfident.
Score – UT 41 UT- Chattanooga 17
Booze – A keg in the closet of Corona. Why? Because I’ve racked my brain trying to think of something the people of this state should be proud of, or something that makes this state relevant. It’s obviously not football. And, we have iPads now so who gives a shit about going to “See Rock City.” The Grand Ole Opry? No thanks, I’ll just wait til “Family Guy” does one of those Conway Twitty music video interjections that last way longer than they should because I imagine the two are the same. No, you get this drink because the only thing relevant I can think of when I think of Tennessee is Kenny Chesney. Settle down Vol fans because I know you’re insulted, but hear me out on why it’s so perfect. I mean Chesney is a huge Vol fan for one. Two, Coronas are fancier than the moonshine you’re used to drinking. And sure, UT and tequila make you crazy, but the symbolism of the keg in the closet is of the utmost importance. One, it’s one of Chesney’s best songs. Two, your team is still in a “closet” of sorts as they’re still a year away from being a legitimate contender in the SEC. And three, Chesney is definitely still in the closet. I mean there’s just nobody that wears that much Hollister clothing over the age of 35 who isn’t let’s be honest.
LSU (4-2 (0-2)) -1.5 @ Florida (3-1 (2-1)) – Gainesville, FL 7:30 PM EST SEC Network
This game has brought up a question for me that I’ve been trying to figure out all week. What is worse than a dumpster fire? Because that is literally the ONLY way to describe this game. The only thing I can come up with is mentally challenged midget wrestling, but I don’t think my editor will allow that to be published even though anyone involved in said event would probably be a more capable QB for either team.
Do you want to know how sad this game truly is? Follow me through this. The line for this game opened at LSU -1. That’s after LSU lost 41-7 to Auburn, AND reopened their QB competition because Brandon Harris couldn’t steal the job from a QB who had a POINT ONE QBR. On the other side, Florida finally replaced QB Jeff Driskel with Treon Harris after Harris led the Gators to a comeback victory at Tennessee last week. Then Harris celebrated like most college QB’s in Florida celebrate a big win – sexual assault! So, Harris was suspended indefinitely, and to make matters worse the 3rd string QB was arrested for getting into a fight. So, Driskell was awkwardly renamed the starter despite throwing for 3 picks and only 59 yards his last time out, and this time he doesn’t have a backup QB to bail him out. After all of that…After everything I just mentioned…the line in this game moved in LSU’s favor from -1 to -1.5. Jesus Christ, I may spend my afternoon watching a replay of the Vandy Spring game instead. This game will be comically bad. By the way the over under is set at 47. It could be set at 4.7, and I’d still probably take the under.
LSU is 24-1 under Les Miles following a loss. Also, Jeff Driskel is the worst quarterback I’ve ever seen in the SEC, and that includes when Alabama once had a kid named Brian Burgdorfh (I hope I spelled your name wrong Brian).
Score – LSU 13-7
Booze – 2 40’s of Old English malt liquor. Specifically duct taped to your hands for a good ol’ fashion game of Edward 40 hands. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then chances are you didn’t go to enough parties in college. Edward 40 hands is a game where you duct tape a 40 to each hand and have to drink all 80 ounces of awfulness until you are allowed to use your hands again. Because that’s what you do when you go to college in Milledgeville, GA and your other options for Friday night entertainment were the asbestos filled bowling alley or the movie theater that was still a full sequel behind on the Big Mama’s House movies. But, I digress. This is a dumb game that provides nothing more than cheap entertainment at the expense of those involved. Which means it’s exactly like this fucking football game. The Old English isn’t for any reason in particular other than to try and make this shit storm of mediocrity sound somewhat fancy and exciting. The good news is that Edward 40 hands will probably be more competitive, and that even with a 40 of OE attached to my hand I am 100% confident that I could throw better than any QB in this game.
Alabama (4-1 (1-1)) -8.5 @ Arkansas (3-2 (0-2)) – Fayetteville, AR 6:00 PM EST ESPN
Last week I was emphatic with my pick that Alabama would run Ole Miss out of the building. That obviously didn’t happen, as the Rebels beat the Tide for the first time in 10 years. However, what was lost in all the excitement of the upset was the fact that Bama didn’t play a very bad game they just simply didn’t execute. They also lost 3 starters during the game in addition to the 2 that were already absent. Anytime you enter the final minutes of a tie game without 5 starters and proceed to fumble on your own 25 you’re destined to leave town with a loss.
Arkansas comes into this matchup off a bye week and looking to end a 14 game conference losing streak. The Hogs have one of the best backfields in the country led by RB Alex Collins, and are averaging nearly 7 yds per rush. The offense has been fantastic averaging nearly 45 ppg. They will undoubtedly pose a very big threat to a Bama defense that was less than dominant a week ago. QB Brandon Allen has been deadly off play action passes, and has thrown only 1 INT this season.
The loss to Ole Miss was Bama’s 3rd consecutive loss to a ranked team. And, it marked only the 3rd time in 81 games under Nick Saban that Bama has led by 7 in the 4th quarter and lost. Numbers like that have led many to claim that the Bama dynasty has officially come to a close. What do I think? Calm your tits SEC. It’s still a very, very long season. Bama will come out more focused this week following the loss to the Rebels, and running offenses play into the strength of Saban’s defenses.
Score – Bama 31 Arkansas 20
Booze – Dos Equis. This is simple. Because, Dos Equis is Spanish for Two X’s, or in this case 2 strikes. As in one more, and you’re out Bama. Last week’s lost to Ole Miss is the earliest loss in a season for Bama since 2007. They’re not used to their backs being against a wall, but that’s where they are heading into the halfway point of the season. According to ESPN Bama has only a 4% chance of going undefeated the rest of the season which means they will have to pull off a crazy run that would rival most of the stories told in those Most Interesting Man in the world ads. That’s why this drink is perfect for this game. It’s also perfect because the dialogue and improbability of those ads are eerily similar to how Bret Beliema ended up with his wife. She is a 10. Beliema is a 4. The only 10 that pertains to Beliema is number of Baconators he once ate at a Wendy’s after a long night of drinking. Yet, just like the most interesting man in the world, his apparent charm and charisma created an absurdly memorable story, as he won her over while drunkenly teaching her to play black jack in Vegas 2 years ago (that’s true by the way). This led to one of the most romantic lines in non-cinema history when she said, “I don’t always chase chubbies, but when I do I prefer they live in Arkansas and make fart noises out of their armpits for entertainment.” I can only assume he won’t get as lucky this weekend.
UGA (4-1 (2-1)) -3 @ Missouri (4-1 (1-0)) – Columbia, MO 12:00 PM EST CBS
For the past few weeks I’ve worked tirelessly to get my article in by Thursday morning. That means that most Tuesday and Wednesday nights were spent burning the midnight adderall oil while I looked at statistic after statistic, so I looked like I knew what I was talking about come Saturday. However, this week I decided to be lazy, and thank God I did because late Thursday afternoon it was announced that the best player in the country would be ruled ineligible for this game.
That’s right; UGA RB Todd Gurley was ruled ineligible by the NCAA because he pocketed roughly $400 from selling his own autographs. $400 y’all. The University of Georgia has made a minimum 1,000 times more than that off of Gurley since he’s been there through ticket sales, jersey sales, etc. However, he was suspended today for “receiving monetary benefits because of his likeness.” In laymen’s terms he was earning money for himself because of…himself. Wow. So, let’s get this straight y’all. Laundering nearly $200k for a QB through his father’s church – no suspension for $cam Newton. Alleged rape and stealing from Publix because you didn’t want to wait in line at Joe’s Crab Shack for dinner – no suspension for Rapeist Winston. But, if you’re a kid with no prior history of any kind of wrongdoing and you accept what would equate to be only a portion of your rent payment then you are suspended for a minimum of one game. Wow. Fuck you NCAA.
In regards to the game, without Gurley this got a little more difficult to pick. He did account for over 35% of UGA’s total offense, AND his two backups are also out. It also doesn’t make it any easier that Mizzou is coming off a bye, and UGA QB Hutson Mason is averaging only 137 ypg through the air. Lastly, this game is being played on the road, and UGA is only 2-5 in their last 7 games played away from Sanford Stadium. Even with all those stats there’s still one that jumps out to me, and that’s the fact that even with the loss of Gurley the Vegas line on this game didn’t budge from the Dawgs being a 3 point favorite. I think UGA will rally as a team, and get a huge offensive boost from the return of WR’s Justin Scott-Wesley and Malcolm Mitchell. Also, get to know the name Nick Chubb, because he’s going to be a star once he’s out of Gurley’s enormous shadow.
Score – UGA 34 Mizzou 28
Booze – Skinny Margarita. Because much like this game this beverage is missing a very key ingredient. I was gonna give you a virgin daiquiri for the same reason, but I’ve met too many girls from both schools and “virgin” is the last thing I think of from the co-eds of either university. The Skinny margarita was made up a few years ago when a few girls finally decided to conquer eating disorders by just creatively cancelling out calories in their favorite things. The margarita for example includes a lot of unnecessary calories in the sour mix, so we should just take that part out and that way we don’t have to do Zumba before girls night at your favorite almost authentic Tex-Mex themed chain restaurant. Brilliant! This is perfect for UGA fans because it continues our theme of Gurley/ Girly drinks. It’s also perfect for Mizzou fans, as they will want to watch the calories because they have a long day of sports induced drinking ahead of them considering that the Cardinals and Royals both play after the Tigers.
Ole Miss (5-0 (2-0)) @ Texas A&M (5-1 (2-1)) -2.5 – College Station, TX 9:00 PM EST ESPN
Ole Miss doesn’t have much time to celebrate their biggest win in school history last week, as they head to College Station to play a team they’ve never beaten in 6 tries. The Rebels pulled off a huge upset last week at home against Alabama, and looked great in every phase of the game. Bo Wallace accounted for 3 TD’s, the defense held Alabama to only 1 offensive TD, and special teams forced a fumble that led to the game winning TD late in the 4th quarter. A&M is on the polar opposite end of that spectrum, as they enter this matchup after being embarrassed against Miss St last week.
This is a very interesting matchup because of how different each team is. One team is coming off a huge win and one a terrible loss. One team leads the SEC in every offensive category while the other has the stingiest D in the conference giving up the least amount of ypg and ppg. The one thing they do have in common is that both teams have a wealth of talent and playmakers that make this game very tough to predict.
All week I’ve had two primary thoughts about this matchup. One, Ole Miss continued their celebration well into the week and it’s hard for a team to follow a victory like that and not have an emotional letdown after everyone has patted you on the back all week. Two, A&M’s offense got exposed last week against a team that was ranked last in pass defense in the SEC. However, they were also without their top WR and had 9 drops against MSU. I really don’t know if Ole Miss will be focused this week following the historic win a week ago. I also hate having to trust Bo Wallace. There are pyramid schemes that are more trustworthy than Bo Wallace. However, Ole Miss’ defense, especially their secondary, is legit, and Kenny Hill has looked average at best in his last two SEC games completing only 54% of his passes.
Score – Ole Miss 35 A&M 34
Score – Woodford Reserve and Coke. Last week an Ole Miss friend of mine chastised me for my pick and my not so subtle ignorance towards the Rebels. However, what he was most upset about was the fact that I paired a top shelf bourbon with the likes of Coke Zero. Well, you were right sir, and I was wrong on so so so many accounts. That being said, this week I’m trying to remedy that booze selection by calling for an actual appropriate pairing. Now, don’t get crazy y’all. This is in no way a gesture of sportsmanship, as I am still bitter that a team led by Bo Wallace beat my Crimson Tide. This is merely the right choice. This is still a marquee game that calls for a marquee drink. However, most importantly it calls for a repeat performance or a shampoo effect if you will. What better way to continue the drunken highs of a week ago than by going to the well on short rest to get you right back in the same groove. So, double down on that giant bottle of Woodford, and see if the Rebs can’t shock the world two weeks in a row. Just make sure you don’t tell Johnny Manziel you brought a bunch of coke to the party because he’ll start rolling up dollar bills faster than Rick James at a party with Charlie Murphy.
Auburn (5-0 (2-0)) -3 @ Miss St (5-0 (2-0)) – Starkville, MS 3:30 PM EST CBS
Jesus the SEC West is a nightmare this year. We’re barely at the halfway point of the year and have yet another Top 10 matchup. This week the eyes of the nation will be on Starkville, Mississippi (God help us), as the Auburn Tigers come to town. This game offers one of the best QB matchups in the SEC. For Miss St you have a QB with one of the most unique names in college football. And, for Auburn you have a QB who can’t spell the word “Dak”, “unique”, or a single word in that last sentence.
For two consecutive weeks, I’ve gone against my better judgment and picked against Mississippi State. And, for two consecutive weeks the Bulldogs have proved me wrong. In that same time span MSU has gone from being unranked to being ranked 3rd in the country with a Heisman leading candidate at QB. Dak Prescott has been sensational for MSU accounting for 20 TD’s while the offense has gained over 500 yards in every game this season. The defense has been legit as well with a dominating front 7 that is holding opponents to under 100 ypg rushing and pressured Kenny Hill into an uncharacteristic 3 INT’s a week ago.
Last week I went with a hunch and picked LSU to upset Auburn on the road. Holy shit, that was dumb. Auburn embarrassed LSU 41-7 while I sat in a corner and made spit bubbles into my vodka soda questioning everything I believed in. Auburn is the best team in the country right now plain and simple. They are still nearly unstoppable on offense averaging almost 500 ypg, but their defense has truly been one of the most underrated units in the country so far this season. They rank 9th in scoring D at 14 ppg and 14th in total D giving up just over 300 ypg. However, the scariest stat from this D is that in SEC play they are allowing only 8.8% of 3rd down conversions, and haven’t allowed a single conversion in 18 straight attempts. That’s stupid. Like Nick Marshall’s grasp of the English language level stupid.
Score – Auburn 37 Miss St 31
Booze – Vodka Redbull. Specifically Grey Goose Vodka…with a roofie. Let me explain. These are two of the most high-powered offenses in the country led by two offensive geniuses in Dan Mullen and Gus Mahlzahan. The only person that’s wants to go faster than these two teams is Ricky Bobby. Like a 15 year old getting to 2nd base for the first time they’re fast paced and explosive when you least expect it. That’s what the Vodka Red Bull is for. And, yes break out the Grey Goose because this is as top shelf as it’s gonna get in the SEC this year. Hell, go ahead and my that 20 oz Red Bull that’s usually reserved for finals week and meth addicts looking for a fix. However, just know that no matter how amped up you are during this 60 minute wave of adrenaline and emotion one of these teams will wake up tomorrow with a dizzying headache. That’s what the roofie is for. Because one of these fanbases is going to wake up Sunday in a panic asking, “What happened last night? Was that real? Did we really lose that game? Are we really not undefeated anymore?” And the answer will be yes because one of you wasn’t ready to take it to the next level.
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Dyke L. Marler
September 20, 2014
“He just grinned and shook my hand, no was was all he said…” The Band/The Weight
The question was “do you think Florida can beat Alabama in Tuscaloosa and Mississippi State can beat LSU in Baton Rouge?.” Some people will fall for anything.
Alabama vs Florida
This game is going to be close from start to finish Bama fans so hold onto your Houndstooth hats. This won’t be the blowout you’ve become accustomed to.
Blake Sims will be tested and Amari Cooper will be matched against Vernon Hargreaves III so this game will come down to the superior running game of Alabama. If the Gators can get more than 2 turnovers inside the 50 yard line, they can pull the upset.
Arkansas vs. Northern Illinois
If you like 1950’s 3 yards and a cloud of dust, this game is for you. These two teams run the football but Arkansas plays at home and will eventually wear down the Huskies.
Georgia vs. Troy
Georgia is quickly running out of personnel in the defensive secondary but Troy doesn’t have enough weapons to capitalize. Todd Gurley and a never ending supply of running backs lead the Dawgs to an easy win.
LSU vs. Mississippi State
Yes MSU is improved and yes they have a chance to pull the upset. Baton Rouge, Saturday night, first hint of fall in the air (or is that Bourbon?) and that weird voodoo that seems to effect every opponent except Alabama is all that matters. LSU’s ground game is about to get punishing and the defense is rugged.
Missouri vs Indiana
Maty Mauk and the Mizzou defense make this a total mismatch.
Vanderbilt vs. South Carolina
After pulling a stunning upset of Georgia last week, Carolina travels to Nashville to play a Vandy team that is one of the worst in the Country. They beat UMASS last week on a missed FG that, if spotted any closer to the goal line, would’ve been a touchdown. Any high school sophomore could’ve made that kick.
SMU vs. Texas A&M
SMU has the worst defense in the Country and compliments that humility with an offense that has scored 6 points all year. This will be ugly and afterwards we can expect to hear more accusations of cheating by Eric Dickerson which is roughly equivalent to Hitler accusing Sweden of war crimes.
Enjoy your weekend!
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Dyke L. Marler
September 18, 2014
Auburn at Kansas State
Auburn goes to Manhattan, KS tonight to play a rare September game on the road in the hostile confines of Bill Snyder Family Football Stadium (yes, that was a joke).
The Tigers lead the Nation in rushing offense at 328 ypg and although most have this game pegged as a marquee matchup of evenly matched teams, I like Auburn decisively. Auburn QB Nick Marshall is completing only 50% of his passes in 2014 but tonight sees the return of his best big play threat in WR Sammie Coates. RB Cameron Artis-Payne has dropped 10 pounds and still has the strength to run between the tackles but is a little more elusive in the open field. RB Corey Grant provides speed to the corner and I believe Auburn will pound KSU with a talented offensive line and ground game and the quick strike ability of Nick Marshall and a receiving corp that is deeper than the average fan realizes.
The possibility of an upset for KSU comes in QB Jake Waters who, last week, led a comeback victory against Iowa State with 91 seconds remaining. He passed for 239 yards and ran for 138 yards with 2 TD’s. He will be passing against a defensive secondary that is ranked 96th in the Country and will be missing starting safety Jermaine Whitehead who, I’ve been telling you for 3 years, is hands down the worst DB in the SEC. The Tigers have already lost starting CB Robinson Therezie for the season.Share on Facebook
“Baby Girl, Jesus was wrong…” Chalky White/Boardwalk Empire
And if he can be, so can I.
South Carolina got a season saving win against Georgia Saturday in the rain but they needed a little help to do it. The Florida Gators almost blew the longest SEC winning streak in the Conference against an inferior Kentucky team and needed 3 OT’s to do it and Arkansas has a legitimate running game.
South Carolina over Georgia
The Gamecocks, in my opinion, got several game changing calls that went their way in a close win over Georgia in Williams-Brice Stadium.
Georgia fans will blow up talk radio this week with complaints about an intentional grounding call (that wasn’t) and a 4th down and 1 inch game ending conversion in which SC QB Dylan Thompson was stopped cold. Mark Richt rarely loses to an underdog on the road.
Arkansas over Texas Tech
Arkansas is pounding the ball with Alex Collins and Jonathan Williams and Saturday, against the Texsas Tech Red Raiders, they totaled 438 yards on the ground and 6 TD’s.
So that would be one more win for an old school approach over a hurry up offense.
Alabama over Southern Miss
Alabama leads the Nation in rushing but has a defensive secondary that is still shaky. Nick Perry’s helmet to helmet collision in the 2nd half, which will cause him to miss the first half of this weeks Florida game, doesn’t help. Alabama has found a pass rush and Amari Cooper needs to start showing up on some Heisman lists.
Florida over Kentucky
Florida needed 3 OT’s to beat the Wildcats, in The Swamp, and did not look good offensively or defensively. Will Muschamp should just paint crosshairs on his chest before traveling to face his old boss in Tuscaloosa this Saturday.
LSU over Louisiana Monroe
LSU still looks good against inferior opponents and doesn’t play on the road until October 4th at Auburn.
Ole Miss over Louisiana-Lafayette
Bo Wallace completed 23 of 28 passes and the Ole Miss D is improving. They have the week off before playing Memphis on the 27th.
Mississippi State over South Alabama
The Jaguars hoped to pull a program building upset over the Bulldogs but it was never close. Dak Prescott took over the game in the 3rd quarter and MSU won easily. 35-3.
Missouri over Central Florida
Missouri looks good defensively. Winning on the road against a George O’Leary coached team early in the year is a good win.
Oklahoma over Tennessee
It wasn’t as embarrassing as it could’ve been. Tennessee put up a fight but they are not a very good football team.
Texas A&M over Rice
That one was easy.
Vanderbilt over UMASS
Barely. With UMASS leading 31-27 late in the 4th quarter, Vanderbilt scored the go ahead TD with 1:06 to play. In typical Vandy fashion they allowed The Minutemen to march the length of the field where the least popular guy in Massachusetts missed a 16 yard FG.
Next week we get serious.
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